the bottled up stuff
Sunday, February 22, 2009 @ 11:29 PM
i wish i could run away
i wish i was dead sometimes
it's getting more difficult to imagine the future with the words that you say
gloomy,dark, the road to the unknown, nowhere
do i not matter
why do you have to make things so difficult
why do you have always put me down
working so hard seems futile
the reason why i worked so hard is simply to show you
that i can study and not as dumb as i seem
i know i'm not good enough
with a 6 subjects 18 points is low
i tried alright.
when people see the 6 subjects 18 points
they say " oh quite okay what, not bad"
but you have to say " why so low"
dammit, i don't know what to say dad
maybe i'm just not good enough, i was never good enough
never as good as bro.
he's always the one you cared about
he's future is always bright, while mine is dark
leading nowhere
he didn't study THAT hard and get into a university
even if i study really hard, which i did
i know you doubt i can even get into one
he went into junior college so he's the smart one
i know you're not happy with my choice to TP
and please its making me sick when you try to fake it
i know you want me to go NYP, no actually JC
if not you won't keep asking me
why the other schools never offer me, only TP offer
i explained to you like THREE TIMES
the posting system is based on your effing choice
if you get in one, they won't sent you a whole list to pick again
and when i finally got my enrolment package
all you have to say is
poly got so many nonsense stuff
which you apparently don't care about
seriously, if you're happy i should just quit school
save all the money which you're always worrying about for me
spent it on your cigarettes for all i care
if im such a financial burden, if you want me dead just say so
ends everything, i bet is so much better for you
bro, sometimes you're nice but sometimes you're just an ass
everything i do.everything i ever love about my life for 17 years
my dreams, my passion is all gone
you wanna know why? its all because of a YOU
you're always making me feel inferior to you
i really love playing sports and dancing
but when i wanna try something new
all you have to say is "you can't make it"
i know you're good, no, damn good in dance
am i THAT bad, i gave up track
do i just give up dance?
i think i should never do both things ever?
makes you happy doesn't it?
i ran for 7 years, and in the middle
when you said i was lousy, i gave up tryin' to fight to be better
cause what's the use
i won in sec two, but the passion was already dead.
sec 3 and sec4 my heart was dead
when i said i wanna play volleyball
you laughed and said forget it cannot make it
mum you're probably the person whom so called
care the most
but the way you care doesn't feel like care
the only two questions you ask me everyday
"eaten your dinner already?" and "tomorrow you going out"
is more like a chore to you
rather than care and concern
i rather you not ask if its such a chore
listening to it, i get irritated myself
at home we don't even speak 5 sentences to each other
you're smoking like an addict i know
i tried to stop you but you dont wanna listen
i gave up trying
going near you is like throwing myself in a fire
the smoke that surrounds you stuff my lungs
kills my nose and my whole body
you know i've got sinus
you know why i've got it even
yet, nothing changes.
seriously i'll die breathing in second hand smoke everyday
if i die before you, thanks a lot.
after all that is said, the finale
stop acting like we're really bonded or you know me
you don't even know a shite about me
every sunday's family dinner
is just a table with dishes to me
you guys are there or not, doesn't seem to make a different
eating alone at home feels exactly the same
everyday, no one is at home
why im always going out and you're worrying about transport fee?
maybe cause no one is hardly home.
and i can't possibly stone at home
you know what, honestly home doesn't feel like home at all
sports school is really like a second home.
if i could i stay there.do you know what is like to feel like i don't have a family
our home is like a rubbish junk, filthy.
and so many things i ask you guys to throw
yet its there, cause it can be use.
fuck just throw the damn thing
cause you say that but never touch it.
you say i never clear my stuff?
it's all books, and since you like it messy
i give you messy.and i don't even have place to put my stuff
the cupboard bro and i share in my room irritates me
he comes in at 8am to take his clothes
the house is like a clothing pool.dammit
if its within my power to move out
i certainly would.
and honestly if you guys can't see it
our family is not what it used to be
oh wait, do you even care?
i cried on the last day of school as i am now
i said sports school is my runway land, its really my home away from home
i cried because i dont know if im out and when i have problems
where can i run to now.now i can't run anywhere
can't do anything to take away all the pain
try as i may to be happy
but its permanent in my heart
its just that no one sees it anymore
i try not to think about it
but as school approaches and more problem arise
i can't put it aside
but what can i do?
i'm just me, i'm really at my wits
i think i'm at a dead end right now.
maybe i wasn't meant to live