Insane Moments

Between who you are and who you could be.

I'm Amanda. 20. I dance and I run.
Graduated from Leisure and Resort Management,
but I have no idea what I want from life yet.
Don't judge me.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008 @ 7:23 PM

going to study soon

o levels is coming and i feel that im not even halfway there

the only subject im like improving

is physics

so unexpected but true

im finally at a B4

when all my other subjects except chinese

and maybe english is at C5

i want my A1 for humanities

really bad.

E math too.

somehow i know i can do it

but that somehow..

just seem to have faded away.

looking for a song i heard on the radio

don't even know the title.

damn.

will update soon

friends..
i don't even know whether you guys are
sometimes
you guys just come and go
and i'm always the last person standing
at
used to be.
don't call yourself a friend
if you don't act like one
cause lies simply hurt
hypocrites.

anya

Sunday, September 28, 2008 @ 12:17 AM

i don't know what is happening to me anymore
don't know how i can change it
i tried but failed
and find it really hard to try again
i don't wanna face it
and yet it is impossible to run away from it
what can i do.
i really do not know.
sigh

im failing history still

i don't know why

it doesn't seem like i am the one doing the paper

i don't feel like myself

i feel so lost

always in a daze

and my mind simply shuts down

or just drifts away

o levels is seriously coming

and i'm not prepared
or simply to say

my results are having a downfall

apparently at the wrong time

i don't know how am i to get back on track

when i don't even know what went wrong

my confidence of me getting 20 points and below for o's

simply dropped to zero

is not that i'm not studying

i'm trying..just trying

i study like everyone else

but..not working

i can't even lift my head up and say "i can" anymore

went to study today the whole afternoon in starbucks

with eugene and trisha

wanted to go dance class

but sacrfice.

maybe next week

well i'll see..

went out with cousin after that

nothing much to do

wanted to buy jack and rai cd

can't even find it.

sigh.

the F1 thing is going on

today was the qualifying round

tomorrow finals

quite a lot of people around

but lesser then i expected.

hmmm..the cars were really cool

didn't see a lot

only saw one that drove pass like for 5 secs

super high speed

and extremely loud engines
which actually could be heard from the shopping mall

or really far away.

saw the tv

1st massa

2nd hamilton

3rd raikkonen(not sure if i spelt it right)

wanted a shirt from four skins

but end up buying one

from graniph in bugis

still looking for a new era cap

can't find one that i like still.

sigh.

picture is from some guy's blog

well i found another possible course i can take if i go to poly
which is photography
i've always been interested in photography
but not the normal pictures that we take daily
like the really nice kinds like in national geographic and stuff
just never though about it as a job.
well..but i don't think it pays well
and equipment is really expensive
but dope.

i still don't know what i wanna do.
shouldn't think bout' it now
i still wanna dance
very much
more than anything right now
except that one person
who i'm still curious about
i just wanna know more..

pushing aside

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 @ 4:11 PM

doing a fast post i guess

got to go study

social studies, history and a little chinese

mostly content base so that sucks

which means i have a lot of things to remember

screw it

today had physics the whole day

and well we got a special lunch

not suppose to say what cause

i think we probably would get into trouble

ps: beaker can make good utensils.HAHA

thanks anyway mr lau!

for the stuff and encouragement once again

well i know i probably would NEVER

get an A or B3 for physics

if i'm lucky a B4

but glad you know im trying

and im happy that you know

i feel appreciated.

talked to ms kelly about me A math

she say i probably would need to go into procedurial(not sure how you spell the word?)

which pretty means i have to go into robot mode

i just have to memorise how its done

can't use logical thinking for A math

haha

this is difficult

cause i will have no idea what im doing

she says cause i always start a question that maybe some don't even start

but i never end it

cause well i told her as i do

i either dont know how to do

dont know what the question is asking for

so got to practice a lot of A math

and be a robot for once

and i told her

everytime i do the paper

i will give up slowly and forget stuff, become more restless

as i dont know how to do loads of questions.

she say i cant do A math well probably cause of my confidence level

which i know its true

i feel pessimistic.

E math is alright

just super duper a lot of careless mistakes

that cause me a lot of marks

sigh

got to work on that as well

just really pushing everything out of my mind

including you.

but well i dont matter to you anyway

so well i just trying to let go now.

family stuff is just there

existing, hurting me

but not really that difficult to avoid it

just that sometimes

i have to fake about it

or even fake a smile

that is the difficult part.

i know i'll be fine

maybe cause im not relying on anyone ever

never really asked someone to help me with my problems

except eugene for the japan thing

thanks a lot, and sorry sarah.

but i've always tried to solve stuff

which always involve emotions

i break down but never infront of someone else

once in while but not always

sometimes my results get stagnant cause there is always something

something at the back of my mind blocking

all the stuff i suppose to remember

refusing to let me gain excess to information

now my feelings..thoughts

takes up more of my memory space

rather than content

guess i'll end here

will update soon

go manda/amanda/anya.

the thought about you just makes me smile

yet when i open my eyes.

its all just a thought

never real

you exist to me

but i don't to you

and i'll never will.

things just aren't the same anymore

Monday, September 22, 2008 @ 9:24 PM

it is difficult when you try what you really feel

it is difficult when things aren't what they used to be

it is difficult when you have to fake a smile every single minute of the day

it is difficult when you have to lie everytime you failed to hide what you really feel

things have certainly changed for the worst

after seeing that one bank note thingy

sometimes i wished i didn't know

because i'm not the only one trying to hide things

my parents are too.

trying to hide every problem our family's going through

i don't wanna face it

but i have too

i tried to tell someone

tried to get it off me

but no one seems to listen

no one seems to understand

no one seems to care

why is it that everyone is oblivious to what is around them

i do envy those with an amazing family

and yet still complain about everything

life is just like this.

i know i shouldn't think bout' it

cause i know it would affect my O's

but i can't help it

i always tear when i'm alone

like today the moment i ended A math paper

emotions just seem to just flow

like reversing my whole entire body

28 days to O's

and the teachers, principal said

we suppose to have a strong mind, no hesitating bout' it

but in my heart i know there is hesitation now

i know i'm no longer as strong as i use to be

after each wave of problem

i just seem to have weaken

finding it a struggle to move on after each problem

i can't show any of this

but try to act like there is nothing wrong

but it's just difficult

cause no one seems to be there to light up the dark.

this week there is mock exams

screw it

totally flunk A math again.

and i'm having a headache.

and i totally want

the fa la la song by jack and rai

nice and happy.

i just wish you know how i feel

just wanna tell you that i really like you

but the possibility

that you will ever feel the same way about me

it is simply impossible.

but it's not wrong to like you

failed to be on task

Friday, September 19, 2008 @ 8:15 PM

do you know what it's like

to feel so in the dark

and to dream of seeing the light

that represents hope

okay it's friday

i decided to type without grammatical errors this time

instead of "its"

i typed "it's"

which is equivalent to "it is"

remembered it cause of english class today

which meant i got back my english marks already

didn't do well

only 9 people passed comprehension

apparently i failed.

got 10/25 for compre excluding summary i guess

i not too sure comprehension is upon how much

i think it's 50

oh well.

i'm guessing i either got a B3/B4/C5

for english not too sure

screwed up once more.

nice.

i average got a C5 for all my subjects

not even 1 B3

well done amanda

so what exactly happened?

i got no idea.

if my english is a B3 L1R5:

=27

this sucks

if english is a B4 L1R5

=28

if its a C5 L1R5

=29

nice..

almost 30

what the crap.

almost 30

its worst than mid years

at least mid years i had like a few Bs

i only got 1 B?

how pathetic

i'm going to mug like hell from now

can i do it?

what's holding me back

it's just not the usually me

like the teachers said it is unlike me to do so badly

i know i'm losing my direction

somehow.

i dont know why

my mind keeps drifting away

and i find it really hard to concentrate

i'm losing my photographic memory

i'm so afraid

so afraid i would screw up o's

based on my peformance now

i know i probably would.

it would be a major blow

i swear its not that im not studying

i really just don't know what's happening to me

and it's not only now it started pretty long ago

but i thought it was nothing

now it sort of got worst

i just can't take it

does anyone hear me.

does anyone understand how i feel

i just feel like giving it all up now

is it worth it.

i'm praying that i'm a fighter.

and do not ask me to take a break

you don't want to know how much break/rest i take

you might even be wondering if i study at all

a lot of times i wonder and wished

i could just end my life

right here right now

maybe the world would be a lot better

and maybe..

i would feel better too.

i simply just lost my way now.

sometimes i wished i could just ignore the world

and just be like the past

free.

from worries

i just want to be seriously happy again.

most importantly,

i just need to find myself again.

me.

i'm still very much sorta in love with you

do you know

you're always at the back my head

every single minute of the day

back to the point once again

and i barely even know you

damn the prelims

Thursday, September 18, 2008 @ 4:35 PM

in com lab now

going to study later

got back more results from the prelims

first social studies

i did reasonably okay

screwed up source base like big time

got a nice zero for compare and contrast

i always do.which is a bad thing

got 14/25 for source base which is really BAD

luckily essay pulled my marks up like crazy

21/25(:

thats the only thing good

chemistry totally screwed up

just pass

i failed section B of paper two

i think?

yeah but passed overall

like a C5

same as mid years but worst

then mrs teo was like

"amanda what happened.."

and she asked if i studied

obviously i did.

my mind started wondering once more

what really happened?

is it really just stress? or other factors?

three teachers have been surprised by my unexpectedly poor performance

first, mrs james, second,ms kelly, third, mrs teo

well i don't know what to say to them

like i'm seriously speechless

like sorry doesn't even seem to be the right words to say.

i swear i studied even late into the night

esp history i slept at 1.30 to study for history

i seriously do not know what happened

even if you asked me a gazillion times i would tell you

either stress or i don't know

i doubt is stress.

sigh.

tomorrow is friday

totally unexpected

seem to just have pass so fast.

y'know something at the back of my head

makes me think which keep swaying my mood

i need to grap a hold of myself

what happened to the calm

sorta cool

amanda

never stressed out to the max

well controlled of her emotions(better than now)

amanda

you need to wake up

when i think bout' you

i really see the impossible

seeing everything that can never happened

yet i was foolish enough

to let myself fall into the fantasy of you

i wish you knew

i wish i really could just see you with my own eyes

yet i know it possibly never would be

i had a dream bout' you actually replying my comment

i smiled in my dreams.

this is how much i like you.

i tried so hard to just push you outta my mind

but someone it seems impossible

you seem to just taken over me like within minutes

i barely even know you

thats the weird thing.

i don't even know you

yet you just seem to create a wave

that pass through me.

i can spent my days just thinking about

you.

what you would be thinking and stuff

but why?

this is stupid i know.

this shouldn't be happening i know

yet i can't stop it from happening

its like its suppose to happen.

i just need a way

to forget you

on the other hand,

part of me is just praying

that you would feel

the same way i do.

failure

Wednesday, September 17, 2008 @ 9:17 PM

yo in school com lab again

well im pretty much here everyday

got back mathematics results and pure physics today

failed A maths like quite horribly

expected though

cause i was stress and blank out in the stupid exam

for the first time i blank out really bad

E math i pass but just by a little

cause i had loads of careless mistakes for paper 1

yeah caost me quite a number of marks

(y(sq)-4)=(y-4)(y+4)

-- am i an idiot or what.

stupid mistakes like this cost me like loads of marks

the most unexpected subject that i would actually PASS

like seriously i have never passed an exam paper on pure physics

since secondary three so i failed sec 3 end years and sec 4 mid years

but i finally PASS! i passed physics! not high pass

but at least i managed to even pass.

don't know how much yet

cause mr lau didn't want to give the mcq back.

it totally made my day

after school like around 4

went to gym to cycle,jog and skip the skipping rope

haha!

after that went out to buy stuff

like ms jenny's cake

cause tomorrow its her birthday!(:

so liangwei,meixian, noreen and myself went to buy a cake for her

we tried running

seriously after not training for 2 months

i suck.

haha(:

1 month to o levels

i need to buck up man

pick up the pace

sometimes i feel so stupid

i don't think i would ever believe in love

for a long long time

times and times i tried so hard

yet it hits me again and again

fooling me with its lies

and its stupid hints

i'm somehow crazily in love with

someone i barely know

but why

he somehow just triggered my interest

but i know somehow i'll never get the ending i want

i need to forget about it

i need to not love

because it simply hurts

like a knife stabbing me again and again

baby bang

dampened spirits?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 @ 1:10 PM

yo in the computer lab now
so in school

just finished the E math paper 2 for prelims

last paper for prelims

the paper was tough

but its over anyway

yay.i guess..

well not sure i don't feel the excitement yet

O levels is coming in exactly a month
so screwed

just got back history marks

well i got 23/50

so yeah i failed

which was super unexpected

the whole class failed actually

except wei ming

mrs james wrote as her comment:

"i am very surprised by this unexpectedly poor performance,

you did not show the clear thought and analytical mind that you have all along exhibited throughout the year..."
something like that i changed a little here and there but most of it is like that.

in my mind i thought

yeah..amanda this is not like you

i haven't done so badly in history ever

well i've never failed for a paper that is

some things certainly did change that affected my thinking

affected the way i write and definitely my grades

i don't know what and when it hit me

so hard that i just fall without knowing.

history is pretty much my best subject out of 7

but it seems even the best falls down sometimes

so i dont know how im going to do for my other subject

not hoping much

cause i know i screwed up badly

even though i studied.

well i would definitely study even harder now

just that based on my character im pretty much a slacker

so i got to change the thinking

but its hard y'know

like i've never put myself in a stressed position

when i did, i know it certainly screwed me up

the future sure seems a little gloomy now

not sure how i would do for o's

not sure if things would change

im suppose to save for japan to go with sarah

somehow my thinking changed
suddenly to everything i've known i've lost interest

sometimes i just wanna tell her i might not wanna go

but i know it will affect her as well.

sometimes its just so hard to make decisions

certainly when you're not in the right mood and condition

to do so.

maybe i should just wait, awhile

when my head clears up and i can think

when the world seem to have broken down , will you have the strength to stand up once again?

i need to start believing again

believeing in people, stuff that i've known

love,hope and even in myself

as i move along

i seem to have faltered

and broken apart

i just feel like crying now

done for today, later peeps.

down on my luck

Friday, September 12, 2008 @ 8:33 PM

i'm super duper down on my luck this week
no idea why
even though its the holidays i stayed in school
i lost my hair clip, my slipper broke and my earpiece spoilt
without warning
well done.

now i got to spend money to get a new slipper and earpiece
thanks a lot stuff.
when i was trying to save.

stayed in school for the past one week
suppose to study really hard
not sure if i did study
i know i was super hardworking at reading twilight
which i finished
what a joke.

the book is amazing though(:
the movie is coming out in december
can't wait!
if only love could be so true..

monday physics paper 2
which i probably sure FAIL
like confirm plus chop and signature
tuesday e math paper 2 which i didn't study the whole week
didn't really touch math
only did like 3 questions from TYS
nice.
im SO DEAD

tomorrow got to go shopping to get my stuff
for now im using dom's earpiece
thanks! hahaha

and i bought a walk to remember today
after studying at woodlands library with divya
she was reading some weirdo biology book
HAHA.

AND..

today i woke up at 9.30 latest for the whole week.
nice(:
and staying in my room alone the whole week isn't THAT BAD
i thought it was nice and peaceful
EXCEPT for the fact the stupid lizard flew
from the wall and down on the ledge
that was freaky.

HAPPY COACHES' DAY!
especially to mr pedro, and other track coaches(:
plus coaches and gms from sports school(:
thanks a whole lot for everything(:

sometimes i wish for the unreal, the impossible
if only love was really like a fairytale
with two people really madly in love.
that would be amazing
yet love is nothing more but
a simple word now
saying i love you to another person
seems so easy
but if it is so easy to say,
i guess it means you don't love the person
you simply like the person.
i just wish someday
someone would love me with all his heart
and i would give my love with nothing less to him.
but the chances of this happening is 0.1% i guess.

would i ever meet someone that would show me something i never knew?

its just changing

Sunday, September 7, 2008 @ 1:02 AM

decided to go for hip hop 1 today
its in the small studio thing.
felt weird because i haven't dance for so long
took a peek at the locking workshop by jin
its so nice
anyway, after not dancing for like a month or more
which felt like years
i seriously died.
damn tired
and perspired like crazy man.
the choreo was alright
a little weird

thinking what class should i go next
wanna go for an an hip hop 1 or should i go daniel's hip hop 2
see how

went out after dance class.
hmmm.wanted watch movie but decided not to
im broke haha
went walking around with cousin
i bought one thing today
fox pants
damn nice argh love it
wanted a pullover which cost the same price
but i didn't have enought cash so have to wait
after that window shopped with my cousin at a lot of places
saw krista,vera,angela and aiteng today

went i was at suntec i saw those people playing yoyo
so cool
i miss my old yoyo
which i don't even know where is it now
haha

my cousin lent me her twillight book
the starting is nice
looking forward to finishing the book
and i got the TBG dvd already
going to lent meixian
since that stupid woman didn't go with me

okay pictures at k.o night
only got three(:

my eyes were really small

cause it was like bloody itchy

and it became red

best. haha

meixian and i

popper ACKY(:

meixian and i with BBOY GONZA(:

been thinking a lot.

does it mean anything at all

cold and hot at the same time.

why.

k.o night

Saturday, September 6, 2008 @ 12:24 AM

yow shall do i short update.

this week has been totally crazy
due to prelims. haha
i had many papers.
err i think it was A math paper 2
E math paper 1, Chem paper 1 & 2
Physics paper 1 and history

been sleeping like less than 8 hours everyday
im dead man haha.

A math and E math i totally panic so a lot of stuff i know
but couldn't come out of my head during the paper.
first time i felt so..panicky? doubt it is even a word.
haha

Chem was like screwed also
too stress the day before
when reach the paper answer that like somewhere in my head
had difficulty fishing them out.
so wasted a lot of time
and couldn't think

today just had history paper and physics paper 1
i couldn't finish history paper even though i know what to write
damn.wasted.
well move on to physics i totally screwed cause i didn't study
i pretty much guess half of the answers for the paper
first time i took physics without studying
so scary
probably flunk the paper anyway

so you can see how screwed i am
never felt so stress
and i knew the more im stress the worst i'll do
here it goes to show.
oh wells
wait for the results then

two more papers to go
physics paper 2 which i dread
because i score like around 28/80 for that component
i probably would fail again.
e math paper 2 which im okay with
i quite like e maths except certain topics
so yeah

today was also K.O NIGHT
been looking forward to it for more than a month
and its finally here!
yeah went with meixian
thank goodness she could go
at least both of us had fun(:
judges were ACKY,
HILTY AND BOSCH,
BBOY GONZA
and
RYAN(OSCHOOL)
super cool
the winners win a trip to japan how cool is that.
well. the best part was obviously the battle itself and judges performance(:
hip hop: red line won
bboy: floor tech
locking: fonkay style
popping:sunset alleycats

i liked the popping genre most no idea why
im sort of like popping more nowadays(:
wanna learn
any pro out there willing to teach me find me aite
haha

took pictures with acky and gonza acfter that(:
will post the pictures asap
saw dharni there too, he did like a freestyle beatbox
and ben was like popping to it
so impromptu but powerhouse

might go dance class tomorrow
haven't been there for quite awhile
and since i'm having holidays this coming week
it won't hurt to take a break for a day
will it?

also i bought a t shirt cost $38
now im totally broke.
i even borrowed $3 from meixian
haha
first time my wallet felt so empty
like seriously blank
at the end of today.
i didn't even have $1
nice? haha. first time
it felt weird. haha

even though its the holidays next week
i'll be staying in school so i would concentrate more on studying
but i can still go out so thats the good thing
the bad thing is that there is curfew and that im the only person in my room
noreen and meixian is not staying so ya
oh well
i guess i'll be alright(:

i realise im typing more ghetto and talking more ghetto
after playing with the american thing a few days
im getting used to it? how weird.

see ya peeps will update soon.

gone and away it flies

Tuesday, September 2, 2008 @ 12:48 PM

had A math paper 2 today

gave up trying after first two question
cause i couldn't even think

the stress is simply taking over me

and my brain was dead within minutes or even seconds

after i got the paper

how am i to survive o levels

with all the problems that i dont want to face

the crux of the problem is still unknown

what is it, i still do not know

all i know that it is bothering me

Love is like a rumor,

Everyone talks about it,

But no one truly knows.

found this quote on the net

find it so true.

this is me-demi lovato

piano version

even though its camp rock

and many people think its kiddy

but i really like this song

it just seem to say everything thats inside of me

i'm the kind of person who don't show

or tell people how i feel

i always keep quiet so that others won't know what im thinking or feeling

i rather see myself get hurt than others.

so yeah enjoy

emotional

Monday, September 1, 2008 @ 12:03 AM

i never knew i could get so emotional
never knew that my emotions could just take over me
overwhelmed
i simply cried
cried for what i thought was nearly an hour
many things just ran through my head
my dad simply just scolded me
and said " you enough already"
it all started cause i said " i don't know"
in a way in which he thought i was throwing temper
the fact that i don't know which i was saying
for like i don't know how many times.
and he was simply scolding me
saying i lived in japan for 12 year and you telling me
your friend know more about japan than me
wtf i didn't even say that.
at that moment i was pissed cause he indirectly calling stupid
but i knew i somehow was in the wrong
i didn't say a damn word
just kept quiet and cry
until reaching my grand aunt's house
my mum came
i just scream like whatever i was feeling
she listened even though i know she didn't understand
i didn't really care
i was tellng her about school, telling her how everytime
i feel that if i die, the world will be better.
i always feel that im living in my brother's shadows
does anyone see me
does anyone know im there.
i know he is naturally smart, talented in a lot of ways
but i'm trying hard to just get the results i want or actually they want
no..actually they never set a target for me
cause they just want me to pass, which is not what i want
if my bro did badly they would like scold him or whatever,cause they care
but they never ever did.in some way its good
but in some ways, i doubt they don't even care what results i get.
i don't know what im talented in
no matter what i do is wrong, no matter what i like to do and i work hard in it
it never seem to be good enough
cause i never seem to be able to excel or be as good as what my bro
it just isn't fair sometimes
i want people to see me for me, not some girl
who is useless and weaker than her brother
whether is it size,height,studies,sports anything.
i don't want to be compared
because anything people say is always hurting
why do they not think about others before saying anything
i always think before i say,cause i hate seeing people get hurt
why can't people do the same for me.
i can't remember the last time
i really laughed and felt truely happy
it felt like a long time.

went to poojaa's house to study
i think i didn't do much
cause i realise i dont know a lot of stuff
then all the stuff happened
dinner then im home.

tomorrow should i slack or study
with eugene.no idea
i'll pick one.

daniel's hip hop class

elliot yamin-movin' on

guess where am i