Tired of this
Sunday, October 28, 2012 @ 1:18 AM
Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live.
Don't let the society determine how to live and serve your life? Sometimes I wish it's that easy. I wish, but it is easier said than done. I know that I'm not happy with my life right now at all because all the things I was passionate about has been thrown aside for days in front of the screen typing assignments, days looking at pages filled with words and days taking examinations. I just want my old life back even though it was filled with a lot of activities, but I was happy and motivated to take on the many things. I haven't been dancing, I haven't been running and I haven't been reading storybooks. These are the things that I could feel that I'm myself, things that I can feel the fire in my heart, things that I WANT to do but I simply don't have time for it anymore. This is only the first semester, it's barely two months and I can' t take it, I just don't feel happy anymore. It's so difficult to find things to smile about. I didn't even want to study university in the first place, I don't even have a choice to quit or not. Anyone asked me how I feel?, anyone asked if I wanted this? No, I don't. I just want to be happy. I don't even ask to be rich and famous, just want to be happy and content. Everything is piling up, all areas of life is catching up on me. I can't even cry in my own room, i can't even be me. The house is a mess, it looks like a dumpster, nothing like how home is supposed to be. What happened to life? What happened to everything around me? I just want to leave you know? A lot of days I just want to pack a few clothes and hit the road, but I never knew where to go. Never knew where I can end up. I really just want to get away and not having to worry about everything. I'm just sick of this life I'm living. My temper is so bad and I feel like every stressful thing that comes along, my temper and frustrations shoots up immediately. I can't control it.
Never enough
Friday, October 19, 2012 @ 12:53 AM
Why does it always seem like whatever I do never seems to be good enough? Why do I always feel so lousy about myself? People say it's the heart that matters, but really is it? Or is the thing that matters is a pretty face? I just wanna do something in my life and for once not feel like I was never good enough. Is it too much to ask? I just want to stop worrying about every single shit in my life. Don't want to keep worrying about money, especially money but I can't. Thought after the education loan it's gonna feel better, but it feels worst than before. The bank is not even chasing me for the money yet, but I'm always thinking about it. Feeling this loan on the weight of my shoulder.
Ever feel like you wanna solve something, but its out of your control whether it can be solved or not? I'm trying to solve some screwed up system shit for school, but I can't do it cause it's not even my mess. I'm not even a staff. It's not that i'm not trying, no one is replying me, no one is helping me. So how do you want me to solve it, really? Helpless.
A lot of times, I just want to leave ya know? Just get out of here and not worry about a thing. Yes, I sound like a runner. But, I'm still here aren't I? I just don't wanna worry about all these things ya know. I'm 20, trying to live life normally. I'm trying to quit my job so that I can focus on my studies, but I realize I need the income so badly. I want to do things that i'm passionate about, but I can't anymore. I have the motivation, I have the heart ya know, I just don't know how to find time for it anymore. I'm just so tired of all these nonsense, everything is moving too fast for me to catch up.
Maybe someday it'll be better right?
Toodles.
all over again
Thursday, October 11, 2012 @ 11:20 PM
Feels like my heart is going back to square one.
I'll get over it, I know it.
I still miss you that's all.
But, I don't want to.
Taken
Wednesday, October 10, 2012 @ 11:50 PM
Thai food and Taken 2 with Shirlyn, Zheng Yi and Diana today! It has been quite awhile since we catch a movie together, or it's been awhile since I met any of them. So it was really good! Good company(: Kinda miss the old times in year 1 where we hang out a lot, do crazy shit together and dance. Guess everyone somehow grew apart, I guess we all have our own things to do. Life is catching up with us all. Sometimes it's sad to hear the little differences we have that makes us avoid calling up someone we use to ask along so easily. Sometimes it's difficult to see how people change and how we start to throw judgement at these changes, causing us to avoid people. It's heart wrenching to see such things, kinda make you wonder why we say and do the things we do, but a lot of times it's better to just shut up and just nod, stay out of it. Wishing things would change, but wishing is never enough. Yet, I can never find the courage to do it.
Anyway, Taken 2 was pretty good, INTENSE movie I have to say. Never watch the first one, so I guess I have to backtrack and watch it online. The action and thrill for Taken 2 was pretty good, really makes you tighten your fist in your seat.
I know I'm not over you, I'm not hoping for anything from you at all. The only thing I'm hoping is the strength to withstand anything through it all. Suddenly talking to you once again makes my heart shaky once again, but i'm trying to restrain myself cause I don't want to be like how I was once again.
Premium Rush
Tuesday, October 9, 2012 @ 11:06 PM
Dancing on the tightrope
Thursday, October 4, 2012 @ 12:21 AM
Just wanna blog before flying to Bangkok for the weekend.
Short trip that i'm quite half hearted to go. It's kinda rush, plus I'm not even holiday.
It's a good getaway really, but feel like staying in Singapore.
But, I'll still take this experience positively I guess.
Make the best out of it since i'm paying for it.
Life is getting better. Let lots of things go.
Somehow without him in my mind and without talking to him, I feel much better about myself.
I wish I had more time in the world, so I can train and stuff other than just study and work.
Although, I think about stuff all the time, a lot of stuff. I'm taking it as it goes. Handling it as it comes.
Life is tough, it always is. No matter how much I just wanna break down and cry, things would still come. I still have to face it. So just bring it on.
Just sharing Lawson's new song, Standing In The Dark(:
Till, I come back from Bangkok then.
Don't know who actually reads this, but oh well. toodles
in betweens
Monday, October 1, 2012 @ 12:14 AM