happy halloween=)

didn't go for TPDE outing.
sorry guys.
i feel that i've been spending too much time with you guys.
and not with my good friends.

so went out with Mei Xian aka Kayla and Divya
met at Far East at 5PM
starving.
ate Subway.
trapped there for awhile cause of the rain
until we took a bus for one stop to get to tangs
so that we can get to the underpass.
watch Jennifer's Body at Lido.
it's a pretty alright show.
hilarious when you think about it.

walked around and eat a lil.
thinking about whether to buy the collar long sleeve from cotton on.
hmmm.
went home around 10PM

simple day. but memorable definitely
raining halloween.
haha!

"the queue cab very long"

popping tomorrow!

school ended at 10.20AM
slack like crazy
followed Celeste and Jaslyn around
until 1PM i went ti lab, to print notes.
2PM meet Marcus, Clarence and Zul for lunch.
Chill with em' until the campus relay run start.

honestly, it was quite fun.
even though it's 1.1km and i thought i was gonna die.
but it wasn't THAT bad.
except that when i finished my leg almost cramp
this is what happens when you don't have enough warm-up.
ran for BSC we weren't top 12
but i think we were 15 or so.
SAA team 1 got first(duhh) all trackers.
if they don't get first, something is wrong.

after the whole thing went to eat with Chloe at Marina Square
walked around and stuff
i reach home at 11PM
thanks to a stupid traffic jam=.="
anyway good luck with chiong-ing work

so many things in my mind
yet i can't put it in words.

don't feel like speaking, cause no one would give a shit about what i'm saying
people, if you honestly don't care about someone stop acting.
it's damn irritating.

sometimes, even though you're better doesn't mean you understand.
why can't a fucking person understand the word explore.
i know i'm not good, i know that.
doesn't mean i can't explore.
"the moment you think you've graduated from basics,
the moment you think you're good
you've going down"
why doesn't anyone train basics, what's the point of learning all the moves
and know nothing about where the move comes from.
whatever i say is wrong, it's never right
no one listens, no one care.
cause whatever others say is right.
i should just talk less,
no, just try not to talk.keeping my mouth shut is the best.

am i really that fucking non-existen
i should just fucking die.
lessen the burden of my family at least.
i'm like so stupid and useless.
just die alright?

recently, i feel that i just made a wrong choice.
wrong path.
cause i'm not feeling happy anymore.

remember: discipline, dedicated ,focus and enjoy

apparently, i'm not remembering, not doing it.

today all i did was mainly going for popping recital training
a lot of people were late
and some people got kicked out, so left 26 people? around there
i think the choreo is done?
well at least we have an idea about the last part
had fun at recital, getting to know people=)
no cypher today!

went home, today no family dinner cause no one is home.
so bought my own dinner and watched Honey the movie.
inspired but not as much as i thought it would be.

i just remember Friday got the TP running thing.
Jialat. and i think i end class at 10 plus.

shall not make this post emo today
it's happy sunday.

Gin's class did not go too well for me
i know others enjoyed it greatly
i'm suppose to be hyped, cause i know the song oh too well
but something was bothering me
i didn't feel like mingling, i didn't feel like dancing
i didn't feel like talking, i just felt like having a brain wash

eat and had a lil reggae practise
hang around, watching the poppers.
waiting for Diana and Leo

went to Orchard Central with Diana and Leo
to watch What The Funk Vol 7.
today was dope yo
Alex vs Sam was the bomb.
saw a lot of familiar faces woohoo!
fun fun.
anyway WTF was dope.
congrats to Alex for winning.
Diana for getting into the Top 4.
and all the other people who took part.
you guys were great!=)

looking forward to popping recital.

i guess i haven't got over whatever that happened recently
faking a smile, faking a laugh is really starting to make myself hate myself.

haven't been updating much.

wednesday's modern wasn't really a very nice moment to be in
ryan gave a choreo that it's difficult to me, cause i don't have background in modern or ballet
so technical stuff is difficult for me.
anyway assessment next week by ryan, not sure if 100% have
but something would happen that's for sure
so serious.sigh
think i'll get kicked out or something.

had practise on thursday
it didn't go THAT well, but at least we improved from the last vetting
a lil bit.
i don't know. wasn't feeling too good on thursday
y'all felt each other, but to be honest i didn't feel a think
well cause i was frustrated and blocking out everything in my head.
sorry yeah.

today had full dress rehearsal
everyone did alright, some not as good as usual
but everyone tried and at least even though it wasn't the best but it was passable
hip hop 2 finally have feel again!
but i still think we need more. but im content with the progress
"WE ARE FIERCE"
reggae was messy i heard, well actually can feel
it felt weird today.
maybe cause we haven't practise as a group.
oh well. all the way! the end is near!
cherish the moment.
ALL THE WAY TPDE juniors!

this is a late post, cause reached home like 12.20AM
dinner was like freaking late
need to wake up early for class!

it's such a silent day
noise is around me, but it's blocked out of my head anyway
the wall around me is coming back and i can feel it.
things have really changed huh?

today was the first day of school once again
no classes for me because its suppose to be tutorials but havent had lectures yet.
so session with TPDE people at TCC=)
mainly practise popping with Leo, stupid old man!
still super cui, but at leas we're trying! yay!

went for CDS- World Issues lecture at 6m
crash, cause it's not my slot
but anyway the guy announce then can go to any of the 3 lectures
for our convenience=)
anyway even though World Issues sound like some stupid subject
but apparently it's pretty interesting=D
and my lecturer is dope! super funny!
i like=)

tomorrow jap lecture, i found someone in the same lecture which is Leo
hahaha! wth.

anyway after CDS lecture went to eat with TPDE seniors plus Zul, Marcus and Zheng Yi
laugh like crazy man.
haha and Clarence is freakin bimbotic today, can't stand it.

after all of the laughter and craziness, i still feel the emptiness inside
i feel weird knowing that my aunt is gone
i feel the difference, somehow.
when i think about the past, it's killing me

My aunt passed away on Friday
like 3AM in the morning or something.
well these few days had been crazy.
it just seem to dramatic.
my aunt passed away two days before her daughter-my cousin- gets married
and the wedding cannot be cancelled
missing her own mum's cremation.
and with so many activities on, i didn't get to pay my last respects to my aunt
my mum probably know i ain't that happy
so when i have to go represent the family at my cousin's wedding today, she told me "be happy"
it felt horrible, but my cousin must have felt worst.
in these difficult times, im learning to be strong
i hope everyone in the family is doing the same
we just need a little laughter once again

i'm really sorry about not being able to pay my last respects to you
you watched me grew up,
i remember you at every family gathering, remembering your well wishes
remembering the times when i was a kid at your place doing all sorts of nonsense.
remembering the last dinner we had together this year in Chinatown,
when you were sick, losing your hair, but you were smiling at the dinner
radiating light from your face. enjoying yourself.
i never thought that would be the last few moments i saw you.
i never thought i would wake up one friday morning, and hear the news about your death.
i do hope you leave in peace. you have 3 amazing daughters and you've done a really great job in raising them.
i'll remember all that you've done, i'll remember you in my heart.
thank you for everything you've done that made a difference in my life.

went for TPDE's Amazing Race
My group have 7 of us: Nelson, Alson, Liting, Lavone, Diana,Clarence and myself
Nicole is our leader.
woohoo Seven To Last.
why do we call ourselves this, is cause we always get to the stations first(except the final one)
but leave the stations last. haha!
this amazing race is like the most tiring thing in my life.
as a tracker, it's the first time i run to like so many places.
with trains and bus as the transport for certain times
from Scape to ION, ION to The Cathay, Cathay to Illuma, Illuma to Oschool, Oschool to East Coast Park
madness.but hell lotta fun!
really enjoyed myself!
we are 4th overall=)
Thanks everyone for an awesome time!

went to Soka to watch Marcus,Sheral, Jui Hsin and Tiffany perform
it was dope=D good job guys!

home after that.

later today is gonna be a crazy day.
sigh

photos soon=)

had Hip hop 2 training in the morning
it wasn't THAT bad.
just that full out is difficult
cause i would have problems breathing after the first song.

Reggae after that with a not very complete lunch
had more full out than hip hop
so i pretty much died after Reggae.
cause the medicine took place
and my head was spinning like crazy

i sat out for Finale until the last two so that i know what is happening at least.
but the moment i dance today, i'll first turn pale and my face would be red like crazy after that
i keep feeling my face burn today.

had Full run which is like vetting but not so strict.
after the first full run.
my hands and maybe other parts of my body were shivering
and my face were red, and my cheeks felt hot
so i had to sit out during the second round.
i did the finale though
cause it's short and i know i won't die.

HH2, our feel is coming back
but it's not as strongas before
we need it back.

today was a very JIALAT day.
shivers=.="
really sorry to HH2 and Reggae,
let y'all down for second round.
i hope i recover soon=]

and Happy Birthday Leslie!
celebrated at TM with some of the juniors=)

my house course is not starting tomorrow.

finally i felt better,
getting used to the medicine
still a lil weak, but i can dance
so Reggae extra prac at 10AM,
i couldn't really like full out with so much energy
cause i will die, but i tried
it went well.
and Reggae we're improving!
go go!

Finale was alright!

Modern, although usually i dread it.
today was pretty good i felt.
like finally!
cause Ryan corrected my mistakes and well basicall help me today
today's choreo was inspiring and new.
it was pair.there's a term for it but i can't remember.haha!
i paired with Jui Hsin, it was okay.
we're in the same hip hop item, so probably our chemistry was not bad.
just that the contact part was new.so yeah!
i think we did well for our last try.

ate dinner with Jannson, Zul, Clarence, Xephry, Leong Bin, Shirlyn and Zheng Yi
we had an awesome talk.
thanks guys=)

got home at nearly 12AM but i don't mind. cause the talk was worth it.
sat the same bus as Timothy, my great grand senior.
i think i learnt a lot of stuff from him.
it was a good talk on the bus too.
thanks!=)
learnt more about how to look and deal with commbase
and well he says don't quit modern.
cause he quit and join like 3 times and he regretted it.
it was good advice and good to view things from a different point of view for awhile.

i need to find my soul.

Mr Paul and us=D
i remember the stories about you.
thanks for everything, i miss training with you.

today i went down, but the medicine is totally screwing me up
is making my body feel weak and useless
without it i can totally move fine.
so no dancing once again.
i feel horrible cause thursday is vetting
and i just let everyone in my group down cause i recover from sickness really slow
just when the medicine wears off, i have to take it once again. sigh

when it was finale, i feel worst
cause everyone is having fun, i could only move my arms and sit down
if were to stand any longer, i probably just fall
my head keeps spinning round and round.o

i hope i can dance tomorrow
it's reggae extra prac like whole day and finale.

the only thing that i felt most happy was
going to Studio Wu to sign up for house course
even though, it was hell expensive. $267.50 including GST($17.50)
but i can't wait for the course to start and learn new stuff.

i'm hoping for a quick recovery.

i am still sick.
great=.=
currently: my nose is blocked and i can't breathe

Couldn't dance today, but went to watch and learn
at least i know what i should clean and what to look out for
except that i couldn't do anything cause i felt so weak
even raising my hands is like really difficult cause i have to use so much energy
even climbing a flight of stairs, i was panting like crazy cause i couldn't breathe

when to see a doctor at night,
i think im suppose to get an mc, but i told him i'm on holiday
which means can't dance much still.
the medicine is like making me so blehh

oh i forgot to mention i woke up at 4.30AM cause of my stupid sickness!
horrible, and i couldn't go back to sleep till 5.30AM
and 6.30AM my alarm rang=.=

i need to get well soon!
and well many others are sick too,
all the way people!

AMANDA IS SICK
, literally
the flu, cough/throat pain and headache bugs are attacking me
i feel horrible right now.
if i sneeze,my throat pain,
if i cough, my head pain
if my head pain, i feel like fainting.

anyway, i didn't have the energy to do anything
so i didn't go for recital training
cui to the max
Diana told me they learn quite a lot of new choreo plus got old man
i wanted to faint and die

since i couldn't do much, and staying at home is a bad idea
cause i feel my house is full of viruses
the longer i stay home, the more sick i feel
i decided to go support Divya and well other people at IVP,Bukit Gombak
i didn't do much, i just watch and cheer(if i could)
good job to all=)

surprisingly i saw a lot of familiar faces,
the ex sports school people like Fudin, Ama, Alicia, Fathullah, Kyser
and Shalom.
Last but not least, Mr Paul Rainer.
It was really great seeing Mr Paul again, my coach in my first year at sport school
i thought he was happy retiring in Germany.
he is back till Christmas i think.
anyway, he's really someone whom i look up to.
when i got injured in secondary 1, he told me stories about himself when he was an athlete.
about how he got knocked down by a car and broke 4 bones
but he continued to train by doing medicine ball cause he couldn't walk
he really is an awesome coach and a really funny man.

dinner with family.

i'm really sorry to TPDE juniors about today's President Star Charity thingy!
we'll have another outing soon!=D

today was one crazy day.
training was good, awesome
but vetting was omfg
reggae was alright.
there were only 4 of us,
so it was pretty okay. but i screwed one part.

HH2, i really don't know what happen
can feel the effort but probably just tired
sorry i couldn't feel you guys during vetting
i really couldn't feel us working together as compared to training
i could feel it then.
maybe we were nervous, maybe we were scared
whatever it is, i know we can do it
and we definitely will do it.
if it doesn't kill us, it'll make us stronger
i love you guys!

to the other groups, good job guys!
HH4, work harder guys, you can do it!
just need more practise and find the chemistry
all the way guys!

simply put it, big love to TPDE juniors.

tears flow down many people's faces today
including my very own
and all i felt was doing was going to the track to sit there and cry
stare at the view and just feeling it
cooled down and stop crying after awhile
i thought about many things and all i wish was that i could be happy right now.
so many things to say but don't know how to put it in words

i just need to go back to the start
and find the reason why i start  the dancing
dance for love right?

these days are just so crazy
many people are feeling it and we talk about it
i'm really happy to go through commbase with this crazy batch of people
but i'm sure and i know everyone is feeling tired and zero motivation to dance right now
at least a certain population
it's coming to an end
i can't wait till it's over
my holiday is not even a holiday
but i chose my holiday to be like that isn't it.
screw it

just that at the back of my mind
all i can think of is, what happen to dance for love.
dance before style.

dance trainings are hell as usual
super happy that i got to train on monday for track
run run run=D

today saw Malcolm and Gabriel
the night cycling to Mount Faber
Gabriel crashed caused he was riding and Noreen plus me said hi
whoops

anyway that was my must blog about today
shall update more soon
sorry
have been super shag

today was a fairly weird day
but anyway i cut my hair in the morning!
i thought it looks fine, until i realise everytime i cut my hair
it waves out. so it's messy still.

went for popping recital
learn more of the choreo today
need to practise practise
cypher was a bit cui
Leo and I had to go up twice cause we had a weird song.
and there were more dope people in the training today
so it's a lil scary.

tomorrow no official training, but got extra training
woohoo run run tomorrow!
like finally!

i shall be happy after running
i hope=D

dance in the morning
mooncake after training which is like vetting stuff
lunch and movie at tm!
watched Surrogates, wanted to watch meatballs but timing very screwed
it was nice and interesting, but cause we were too tired
i fell asleep at the front part of the movie
only Clarence, Yi Shu, Leslie, Zheng yi, Zul, Elijah and me went to watch.
thanks guys!

went nephew's birthday thing at night.

someone told me to go for it
but i know it's gonna change things
what should i do

popping recital later today! omg

haven't been updating much
simpy put it, dance training is hell.
effing tired but decided to do a short post anyway.

vetting was kinda scary even though it's just seniors
anyway everyone tried their best, so good attempt!
i know i screwed up for hip hop cause i keep missing on step somewhere
sorry guys!
reggae was screwed too cause i can remember steps but zero feel
where's the feel when i need it.

i don't know what's happening to me
sorry to my group people if i under perform.

I NEED TO SLEEP

im learning to let go of certain things
but definitely not myself.
it's difficult not being me.