That 20 seconds of courage that I never seem to have.

I probably could have a lot of great things happening to me if I wasn't so shy,wasn't so scared and afraid of trying.

Later. Later can mean a minute later, an hour, a few hours, a day, a year.

Well, guess I shouldn't care how much words means.

cause my words never meant anything to you.

(:

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.”

― Gilda Radner

With my lips I say "I don't feel anything yet, I'm just scared I would feel it", but everytime I say it I know it's all lies because I know I already feel it, maybe it's not the exact feeling but I feel some thing in my heart. I'm not asking for much, not even asking for you to feel the same. Just asking my heart to be able to shut up, stop and pull away. I just wanna leave, get away but, no matter where I think of going, whenever I feel sad my first thought is towards you, that's where I wanna go when I'm upset. This is so wrong, this isn't suppose to happen.

It's gonna hurt, but I need to try. You wouldn't even notice if i'm gone. So guess it makes no difference. Goodbye

Everywhere I go

Everything I do

Reminds me of you

Just a picture on the wall

I’m surrounded by it all

Gotta walk before I fall, yeah

Fall out, out on the street

Streetlight, light up for me

So far from where I used to be

When she was mine

Everything was easy

Everything was simple

Never felt so good

When she was mine

I wanted to remember

Never missed a second

Now I wish I could forget

Forget when she was mine, mine, yeah

When she was mine, mine, yeah

What I miss the most

Is talking up all night

We laughed until we cried

Now I’m breaking at the seams

Dropping to my knees

Nothing left of me, no

Like stone turned into dust

My heart wasn’t enough

So far from where I used to be

When she was mine

Everything was easy

Everything was simple

Never felt so good

When she was mine

I wanted to remember

Never missed a second

Now I wish I could forget

Forget when she was mine, mine, yeah

When she was mine, mine, yeah

When she was mine

Wonder if she’s out there

Wonder where she goes, she goes

Wonder what she’s doing

Will I ever know, yeah

Everything was easy

Everything was simple

Never felt so good

When she was mine

I wanted to remember

Never missed a second

Now I wish I could forget

Forget when she was mine, mine, yeah

When she was mine, mine, yeah

I’m down on my knees

Gotta see her, gotta see her, gotta see her, yeah

I tried to forget

But I need her, but I need her, but I need her

I’m down on my knees

Gotta see her, gotta see her, gotta see her

I tried to forget

But I need her, but I need her, but I need her

When she was mine

Maybe someday we'll meet, we'll talk again but it wouldn't be like how it used to be. You've got everything you need. A lot of times, i wished we didn't meet because I would be stronger now. Since we have met, it's a good memory. But we all have to say our goodbyes someday, so let me be the first to say.

I don't know what happened to me. Happiness seem so out of reach these days. Smiling is a chore, doing everything or the thought of doing something not because I want to, but cause I have to, makes me stress. I can feel the heaviness of my heart, the pain I feel somewhere deep down in my chest. I'm hurting. Really badly. I can just lie down all that, curled up, trying to take away the pain. After hours, knowing that the pain doesn't go away. I feel lost. Lost in this world. I'm physically here, mentally half existing here.

All I can say is that I'm trying. Trying to be happy, trying not to go crazy, trying to hold on what little I know that is part of me. I've changed and I know that, I feel it in my heart yet unable to grab hold of it and stop it from drifting away. I'm becoming weak, not knowing how to be strong anymore. I'm sorry to those who have to listen to me, to those who have to be there for me. I'm grateful, but sorry. I wish I could be stronger, I wish I wasn't sad anymore, I wish I'm not hurting, I wish I didn't feel pain, I wish I can be happy. Sound simple, but why is it so difficult for me to reach it.

What happened to me?

Time. How can i grasp the fact that I have 3 days to decide my life for the next two years. I wished I had more time. Everyone hopes for immortality, to live and not to die. But sometimes I wish I didn't have to live, because if i lived in pain everyday then it had no meaning in life. All I ask for is make a decision between UNLV and Kaplan that I would not regret. It's a tough choice, I can't decide. I wished someone would decide for me. Maybe I should flip a coin, maybe I should make a list of pros and cons, maybe I should close my eyes and just point one. I don't know what I should do, where's the advice when i need one, where's the help that i needed. Parents that doesn't really listen to my dilemma and just leave me hanging. I chose where I wanna go and what I wanna do all my life, so it shouldn't be any different right? It shouldn't be that difficult right? Usually, I have more time. I don't know which is better, I don't know which school is more trustable because I don't trust any. Why must it be today that they call. I rather they said they reject me cause i've already given up hope after waiting for 3 months plus. Is this a test? It's a test I didn't sign up for. So much similarities, how can I decide? All I feel is this weight in my heart that I can't lift.

I failed myself, cause I didn't get where I aim to be. I guess hard work doesn't pay off all the time. It's like I'm not complaining, I just count myself unlucky. Now, I've got two universities accepting me into their school not because of my qualifications of sports, i'm just filling up the spaces cause I would be paying them money for school fees and stuff. Tell me, is education really everything. At the end of the day it's just pieces of paper with words written on it saying the level of education you have obtained. Sadly, in my logical brain, i know in this society, that piece of paper means everything. It gets you money, a job and a life without worries. I know I can't even afford to pay for university but, it's the only way I have to go.

Everyday I wake up, hoping things will be like how it was when I younger. Hoping the house would clean itself up. Hoping this house would be filled with love and warmth. Hoping things will change. Hoping I didn't have to wake up with a heavy heart. Hoping I could stay home and not worry about smoke that fills the air every night and afternoon. Hoping I could truly take a rest at home and not worry about anything. Hoping that I do not have to go out because I'm trying to escape from everything in the house. Hoping.. hoping things would get better.

“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying.”