halloween
Friday, October 31, 2008 @ 9:24 PM
physics paper was hell
everything i studied didn't even come out
i was like what?
i pretty much can't do the whole paper.
screwed up two papers already
flunk o levels-.- i'll kill myself.
the dumbest thing i've done is hisotry paper
i didn't do the essay for my strongest topic cause i didn't even
see the question--"
what a waste.
i don't want to know my results for o's cause i know i screwed up
my brain drifted away.
it never came back
it never will
now all i have is my half dead soul
carrying me through.
tried to study social studies which on monday
apparently nothing went in to my head.
smartest thing i've done this week
injured my hand which is like my middle and fourth finger
plus the upper face of my hand
now i can't even write properly
can't even close and open it properly
and can't use much strength.
and if it doesn't recover im dead
cause i got ss paper on monday
just hit the ball and injured it yesterday
bbc is such a nice channel to listen and improve english
im going to cut my singlish out seriously
i realise typing this post alone is hard.
two weeks to o's
i don't know whether to even try sometimes
when i know i screwed up so badly
i tell myself if i don't get 20 points and below for L1R5
im a complete idiot and i probably would just find ways to kill myself
nice.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
faraway
Sunday, October 26, 2008 @ 1:15 AM
was so sleepy and tired
studied at starbucks
then went town with meixian and noreen
and we had to write our names on this paper from somewhere
so meixian wrote "kayla lau"
so i wrote "anya lee"
noreen then wrote "nadia"
HAHAHA laughs.
can't believe we did that.
reach home ten plus
used com up till now when im suppose to sleep
okay i will when im done blogging
although i didn't want to
just now wanted to drink milk
i was wondering why the milk smell so bad when i opened it
lucky i didn't drink it just touch it with my tongue after pouring it
it tasted horrible
i thought was me
and i checked the expiry date
expired last month
i started screaming at my mom cause she didn't throw it
apparently i took whatever was there
eeww sick man
i'm never doing that again.
if she wasn't my mom i don't know what i'll do besides screaming
i seldom put chinese songs as my blog song
actually never
but i like this song
but can't find the download
anyone who can download or has it send to me aite
if not i probably get the for fang yang the xing xing soundtrack if i can find it
thought it's nice.
need to mug for history like mad
plus physics
cause history is one tuesday and physics on wednesday
how nice.
i've decided to wake up in the morning
exercise..go run or something.
get my endorphins
mug for the whole afternoon
then slack at night
nice
i feel i'm getting emo
i need to stop that
partly because it is not me
and partly because if im not a little emo is not me as well
so it is kinda confusing
oh well. weird.
oh levels 2-3 weeks to go.
gogo
isolation
Friday, October 24, 2008 @ 9:17 PM
i'm always isolating myself when i feel that my presence doesn't matter cause i know i'm really non existent i just wanna get away from people that i just don't want to see just wanna get away from the crowd sometimes and just wander into my own world where the world lonely is what is all about but i simply don't feel lonely because i'm simply numb to that feeling.i know it is hurting myself but i rather be this way than be someone i'm not or try to like someone i don't or just see someone i don't want to see in my mind there is always this question do people even know i exist do people even regard me as human a friend or something im always the last for everything be it knowing anything be it called to an outing i think i should stop trying to keep friendships cause as much as im trying others dont really care cause they have others
today i told god if he actually heard me can he just punish me for whatever sins i've done in my previous life or whatsoever just kill me i probably die with a smile because i stopped others who suffered cause of me and well my existent doesn't matter so people would just forget me and move on so killing me would help save my parents from crisis or burden and save friends from getting irritated and pissed of with me maybe i wasn't meant to be here maybe i was cunning in my previous life and took someone else's life.
i probably shouldn't think about it at all but can't help it cause so many times i just wished that i could go somewhere else start afresh or just leave quietly and walk out of everyone's life without them even knowing
i can't believe i believed and tried to help someone but just after a day i see the whole picture why the hell are you trying to get pity from me and hell i thought it was real f*ck the tears you shed you're just one big effing liar i can't believe i trust what you said and you just made me change everything i once knew i just condemned everything cause i don't even know which words are true anymore
and here i close my heart to the world
goodbye world
falling to pieces
Thursday, October 16, 2008 @ 11:36 PM
O's is 3 days
just 3.
and well i know i'm not prepared
i know that i'm not ready for this
i know my head is not in the zone
i'm trying but i simply can't
my mind simply keeps drifting off
and i probably going to fail two subjects
A math + humanities
feel like dropping
but too late for last minute changes.
i don't know how to carry on sometimes.
i'm not even studying properly
as i'm blogging now
it simply shows
what to do now.
i'm trying to be positive
but i simply can't tune my mind
i try to act like yeah i'm okay
it's gonna be a breeze
everything is fine..
but the fact that it is not
sometimes i wanna say what's on my mind,
i simply don't because i know the response
and i just don't say a thing.
part of me knows that i'm giving up
part of me simply knows i can't hang on to that thin line for long
sooner or later i'll just fall and crash
it would be the end of me.
there are so many times
i just wanted to die
like seriously.
but thinking about the people i would hurt
thinking about what happen after.
i find it a trouble
cause even more problems would surface.
but sometimes i cannot imagine myself living another day.
this version of wait for you is amazing
gone with the wind
Sunday, October 12, 2008 @ 6:04 PM
i finally bought elliot yamin's cd
it's the same as the previous one
just that this is like a repackage thing.
i really love the way he sings.
his voice is amazing.
can't believe i bought a music cd after so long.
okay today i studied at starbucks from 9.30 to like 5.30
with trisha
but she came at 12.30
just came home
i'm dead tired
but o levels is nearing so got to mug
along the way
some stuff just seem to be missing.
even part of me slowly drifted away.
i just forgotten everything i wanted to say.
screw o levels
i'm afraid.
feeling the pressure
Friday, October 10, 2008 @ 9:40 PM
O's is getting closer and closer
well it pretty much started
had chemistry practical on thursday
screwed up like crazy
i shouldn't have change my answer
cause always when i change my answer it turns out wrong
screw it
cried a little after practical but just let go.
slept for 5 and a half hours yesterday
woke up today and had to do
A math paper
totally screwed up
i swear i don't even know how i'm going to pass
A math
sigh.
felt accomplished when i finished the cube.
then english which was okay
extremely short consultation though
then had ss the only thing i felt quite happy with
which lasted two hours
i feel so down
as o levels approach
and i realise i don't even feel like talking anymore.
like with people
what the hell is wrong with me
sigh
took this went i was going home
so..carefree..
saw this photo of this hot guy in broader perspectives
unfortunately my camera suckes
so the image is not clear
but he's hot(:
i don't wanna give you false hopes
i hope i'm not at least
because i know it would never last
cause you're the last person i would want to fall for
15 days to o's countdown now
Sunday, October 5, 2008 @ 1:28 AM
okay 15 more days to O's
i feel that i'm already giving up
the most crucial period
i have the least productive study crap throughtout the whole year
everything is like a roller coaster ride
but just going the opposite way now
the most crucial period
i have the least productive study crap throughtout the whole year
everything is like a roller coaster ride
but just going the opposite way now
this shouldn't be happening
but it is
i'm prepared for the worst
but i do hope miracles happen
going to do a short post now
cause its like 1.30am now haha
click to enlarge
took these two pictures at unity sec
when we were looking at the labs.playing with the see saw
went to dance class today! woohoo
an an took over daniel's class cause he pull a muscle
her choreo was awesome
but difficult to catch the basic rhythm and stuff.
i got a huge problem with that
sigh
need more practice.
went out with faiz and meixian after that
went to eat and study
after that went orchard to walk a little
yeah i'm back home
i totally love my new cap.
and i wanted to buy glasses at fourskins(:
pain
Wednesday, October 1, 2008 @ 10:27 PM
i'm having like weird
gastric stomach pain thing.
argh.
it feels like hell.
gastric stomach pain thing.
argh.
it feels like hell.
okay today went fudin's house for hari raya thing
in the afternoon
met dom, jamie,meixian and noreen
we went together
yeah.thats all
tried to study in the morning
apparently cannot make it.
haha
and i got to wake up like super early
to go school tomorrow
it sucks when i finally thought
that there was something i finally can do
something i love, and something i was willing to work hard for
harder than anything i've known
but when someone say "stop trying to be someone you're not"
or just simply say"you suck", or "you can't make it"
what do i do, what does that leave me
to keep on going
or just stay put at where i am
and find another direction.
it simply hit me so hard
that now i'm at a loss
was i really pretending?
somewhere deep inside i know i've always been hip hoppy/tom boyyish
i mean yeah feminine side do come into play at times
i've always hidden behind other's shadows no matter what i do
well mostly my bro,he's good i know he is
does that mean i'll never be as good
i wonder in my parents eyes
do they ever see me
or do they just let me be cause they think im hopeless
sometimes i hope i'm wrong
but at times, i do see preferances coming into place
whatever i say i do is always wrong.
will it always remain that way.
wrecking crew orchestra