It used to be sadness, a lot of it.
Depression even, well maybe.
What ever it is, now it isn't the same.
I feel a lot of fears in my heart.
I don't know what I'm afraid of.
Maybe it is the future, maybe it is the thought of growing up
Maybe it is just world spinning, maybe it is just time passing.
To everyone else maybe the things I'm worried about is something small
I guess to me it matters, it is weighing my heart down
In my mind, constantly there is a reminder of all the things I'm worried about
Even though it is quite some time away, i still think of it every single day
It feels like a time bomb, ticking away. Waiting for the day to explode and just kill me.
Sounds rather cliche, but it really does feel like that.
I'm learning to be stronger everyday
but, somehow I feel like in this case it's not about that.
It's about being brave, well maybe
Everyday I think about all the negative but possible things that might happen if I were to do something
I don't think about the possibility of the actual thing happening
I think about all the things that can go wrong, instead of things that can go right
I think about plans getting ruined, I think about what I cannot do eventually instead of what I can
It is because I am that afraid.
I stopped doing a lot of things I used to just go all out for.
When I watch videos and look at other people, I think to myself:
"I used to be like that.. motivated and all"
I wasn't afraid of not having time
I made time, I made things possible for myself.
I can afford sacrifices, some here and some there.
That's because entering the real world was still some time later.
Right now, I don't think its possible to make time for those things
I don't know what I can sacrifice, what I'm not suppose to.
I'm so tired living in this society where people look like they came from a lab
manufactured, systematic and in the box.
The thing is we cannot survive if we are out of that box.. well in a way
Happiness and survival, that's the weighing scale
How can you choose between the essentials?
The thing is no one wants to make this choice
The society made it this way
They make us choose and because of survival instincts
Most would pick the latter.
Everyday I wake up, I don't even know why I do what I do
Some things in the past, I used to say i do it for the love of it
Now, I can't seem to find anything I can say that for.
Don't mean to sound suicidal or anything but,
there are so many times I wished I could just end everything
Fly out of the window or maybe let car hit me down the road
The thought of just putting my mind to ease
Yet, so many considerations.
So tangled up in all this things.
Things that I don't even want, I didn't signed up to be born here
and study like crazy, work my whole life and then die without ever finding happiness
I don't want to live like that and I know it..
Maybe a lot of us know it, but we can't change it.
I look at my own parents and I don't want to be like them
I look at all those people rushing to work being all prim and proper
I know I want to be nothing like them
The reason why I started running was because I could forget about unhappy things
and also because I knew I was good at it. I knew somewhat where my talent lies.
I entered ssp because I believe in dreams, I believe I could do something different
The dream died when rationality entered the picture
We have the infrastructure and talent, but where is the support?
So it's true, it's easy to start something but, difficult to sustain it.
When someone says "I believe in this, I can do this"
Why say "are you sure?", "how you gonna survive next time?"
Give the person support cause you never know if they're gonna make it
At least they dare to believe.What about you? Do you dare?
I know I don't anymore
I don't agree with a lot of things in the society
but, I despise myself most because I conformed to it
because I lost motivation
because I told myself I couldn't
because I told myself all the impossible things
because I told myself all the things I was passionate about were useless
because I told myself I need to stop all those things that were part of a dream
because I told myself the dream ended when I entered university.
I guess that's it for now.

"Our destiny is within us, you just have to brave enough to see it" - Merida from Brave the movie
If only I was brave enough.

Exams are coming.
I can feel everything piling up in my head.
It scares me.
I tell myself I can do this shit
but somehow I can feel myself going crazy each day
The urge to try crazy things comes up everyday.
I ask myself what if I tried doing this or that?
What if one day I couldn't take it anymore.
I can imagine it all.
It scares me.

Sooo..Monday after class I caught this movie with Mx, the perks of being a wallflower. It doesn't seem like much but, it's a pretty good movie! If you are looking for loads of action,then definitely not the movie you would want to watch. It's the kind of movie that people especially teens can relate to. Sometimes, you wonder if you're looking at the very reflection of your own life in the movies. Maybe you're not a wallflower, but maybe you're just weird in a way, i guess everyone is in their own ways. No matter how alone you feel, somehow there is someone like you elsewhere. There is definitely a place for everyone, somewhere where you fit in.

Kinda going backwards in a way and all over the place, so bear with me.
Saturday was great cause of Pol-ite, so proud of the TP sprints team. Though it's sad in a way that it is falling apart. I guess we had our moments, maybe it's time to hang those shoes up for good.

Today is deepavali, so happy deepavali to everyone(:

Really hope you'll be okay soon.