I really wish to say " i had a great day". I really wanna say "i'm happy". I really wanna say " everything is gonna be okay", but i really can't.

Everyday isn't going well. It's not because of concert, it's not because of all the crazy trainings, it's not because of the fatigue i'm feeling, it's not because of the long rides home late and night being half dead.

It's all the things that i should care about. it's killing me that i can't make things better. i can't do anything to help the situation. Instead, i make things worst. My bro is right to call me stupid and useless, that's cause i really am. All i can do is envy the happy, rich, healthy families. My grand aunt is getting old, she's paying for my family house loan, my sports school school fees last time, she's not working and recently she's in the hospital, i have no idea why. Without her, i probably can't study and won't be where i am today. She prays for my family everyday and yet i can't do a single shit to repay her. My dad's not young either. At his age, most would be enjoying life with grandchildren. But, he's working, very hard and doing all he can to support the family. All i can do is spend and not save. If he's gone on day, my family would just fall apart. i don't want that day to come. But, i do feel something is not right and it's been stuck with me for a long time. Many complain about their lives, what materialistic stuff they don't have, things they don't get. I don't complain about all these, i complain everything in my heart but the only thing i complain about is why when i get home everyday, there is always a person missing or why am i the only one at home. Do you know how it feels to come home and know that no one is there?, do you know what is like to fend for yourself when something happens?, do you know what is like to want something but not being able to just ask for money to get it?, do you know what it's like to save every single dollar from your pocket money for months just to get what you want and people can just spoil it? really, do you know? it's heartbreaking, it's really so difficult, i miss the times when my whole family would be home. We can sit and have a home cooked meal for dinner. Do you know how long it has been since i had home cooked food? i really can't remember, years maybe. i just wish someone can say "i've got your back" and make everything better. All i can do is cry in my room, when i'm out of my room, a fake smile on my face to let my family know i'm alright and i'm a happy girl. Tiring it gets really. I'm just really tired from everything. Falling asleep and just hoping everyday will be better. People, just cherish what you have, you never know when things change and takes a toll on you.