Words can lift you up but it can kick you straight into the ground. When words are spoken, whether you like it or not, it's already said. Words make me think, sometimes i hardly know myself anymore. I doubt myself as a person, who am i. I think i don't deserve to live, so what am i doing on earth still breathing? I really don't know. It's difficult to see things you don't wanna see, things you aren't doing right, things you're suppose to care about but never did. I'm doing everything wrong. Everything. I'm a horrible person. I pray at night hoping to make my family's life better, i think it's futile. I want to believe in changes, but i can't see it. Where's the light.Maybe my bro is right, i'm useless. I'm never smart in the family, i'm never good enough, i'm never anywhere. People don't hear me, people don't see me. The only time is when they really need me. When i talk, no one hears a thing i'm saying, and i have to repeat or just pretend i didn't say anything. I believe in being nice to others, because i know what its like to be treated like crap and thrown aside, but i think no one appreciates it. I think no one gives a shit about friendliness now. Now, it's all fame and status, being dope and all. I'm fucking sick and tired of this life i'm living. I'm neither here nor there, i'm just being where i am. It's not that i'm unhappy being where i am, is just that i feel i don't belong anywhere. Track, i seriously have no idea; dance, is like there's a line somewhere; school i'm just someone; home, i'm just a little girl. I just can't fit in anywhere, can i.

The strangest thing is that, i feel much more at peace alone. Being alone, i can find myself, i don't have to listen to comments or anything other than my own heart. I don't even know what i want anymore, how i'm feeling because i can hardly hear my heart crying. I can hardly hear my own thoughts, i can hardly see myself as me anymore. I just want to be myself again. I cry and tear in my room, i don't know the reason why, but all i can feel is pain in my heart and my soul. I feel the main but i don't know why. I hope it would heal, i always pray for this pain to go away cause i feel like shit. But it doesn't.

Probably everything i say here doesn't make sense.FML
i remember the first time, i really told my mum how i felt was went my dad scolded me and my family was at my grand aunt's place. I cried and told her, how many times i actually felt like just going away. maybe it's once in a blue moon i'll say something like that. cause i like keeping things to myself. i feel most comfortable. But after that 'confession', i felt really bad i think i hurt my mum pretty bad. complicated world. shall stop for now.