Friday, September 10, 2010 @ 11:40 PM
I guess this is what i think about everyday,
but i can never seem to find the reason why i held on so long.
For almost 18 years of my life, crude words and the most horrible words a person can ever say about something is thrown at me, in my face everyday i'm living. I try to not think about it, but i guess i don't have to think about it because i already know the words so clearly. Maybe i am already traumatize on the inside, just that i don't show it. When i think about it, i simply go crazy like literally. All i would do to stop it is lie on my bed, hold my head and just cry. It's a sight of me i hate to see. Questioning myself,'am i really that stupid, that dumb, that useless, and i don't even deserve to live?" well, at the back of my head i probably just say "yes". But, my heart just won't back down without a fight. My heart would just tell me to keep going and keep fighting because i'm here for a reason. I'm sick and tired of this world of mine. Some people say it's difficult to act like everything is fine, when the fact that it's not, but i beg to differ. It's simple because as long you don't use your face to show emotions and use ur heart, people won't notice anything because your face would just be neutral. I guess that is how i got by a long time. When everything isn't fine, it's a thunderstorm, i just keep everything inside.
Today, i guess everything being said to me the past 18 years was something that i think i finally believe and the answer is really a 'yes'. In the car, i can stare at a family four, but it is actually a family of three because i can't seem to fit in perfectly anymore; maybe cause of what i have become. Somehow, i imagined a family potrait, with me gettng erased from the photo, but everything would still be fine and okay. At that moment, my heart really hurt and i almost gave my feelings away when i teared, but i held on. The thing is, i hate crying and worst, crying infront of others. The only place i dare to cry, is behind close doors - in my room. I really want to blame the person who are throwing all the words at me, but i can't because he's my family. Maybe he don't see me as a family, but i'm not gonna make myself totally heartless yet. With every blogpost i'm typing recently, i'm tearing. screw my life really. People envy me because of my freedom, the fact is they don't know anything about me. They don't know why i do have this kind of freedom. The fact is i envy everyone else, i can sit with my friends' family and just feel how lucky they are. Every small little detail,just spells happiness. I wish i could say the same for myself. I realise, the best time i ever had was staying in the hostel because i never had to worry about everything else, let alone face them since i was always in school. It was really home to me, everyone was like my family because they really cared.
Why did i hold on so long in the first place? Simply because i don't want to show that i'm weak, i refuse to just give up. As much as i don't know how long i would last, at least i'm trying. The best thing about track is that it trained us to have strong mindset because even if we're so tired we can't stop running and start walking. It's a race we have to finish.