Insane Moments

Between who you are and who you could be.

I'm Amanda. 20. I dance and I run.
Graduated from Leisure and Resort Management,
but I have no idea what I want from life yet.
Don't judge me.

blank spaces

Sunday, August 31, 2008 @ 12:55 AM

alone in the darkness
i don't see the light
you left me here with a wound in my heart
a wound that would never heal
now i'm just locked up here
in my own world where its cold
i see you but i dont hear you
i reach out
but you pulled away from me
i simply wonder
will i ever love in the same way again?

its 1am and i got nothing in my head
just felt like blogging

soliloquy:
amanda you're an effing idiot
was suppose to study properly
yet you didn't study much
come home watch tv and use computer
do you even care about o's
do you even bother
suppose to save money yet end up spending
i really doubt whatever you want you can get it
cause you're just an idiot

bought a fox shirt and pants today.
ate carls junior for dinner
with meixian
yeap
went to IT fair get brochures
thats about it.

tomorrow onwards start saving.

i think siwon/shiwon is hot.

im done here.later dude

let it shine

Saturday, August 30, 2008 @ 12:27 PM

yesterday it was staff day
even though i slept at 1am the day before
and woke up at 6(without the alarm)
i felt damn awake
the celebration was great

im glad i could help the hip hop a little
the'r 4 minutes was really great
the moves and stuff
but i guess a little more enthusiasm and fun
would help a lot in the performance
but overall great job(:

the soccer and silaters did a great job
the skit by the sec 3 soccer boys was hilarious!
even though i watched it a few time during their practice
but it was still RETARDED.haha(:

sec 2s did like sorta ballroom,cha cha thing.
but kampong style(:
it was nice.
taj is really a talented dancer
i've got to say.

silaters do what they do best
fighto.
haha.yeah haiqal was like flying across the stage
like i said so.
and ahmad,hamka,nurin,iqbal and fazlin
was in combat stuff
so i guess you get the picture

although i really wished i was doing a dance item
but o levels..so got to study!
and people out there you'll see on awards night!
i'll be back(:

Also..
sarah asked me to go japan with her(:
i said yeah
so need to start saving like crazy
and starve HAHAHA
i made her day and she made mine(:
thanks girl!

i changed my blogskin
cause even though i like the other one
the colour was too light.
and the mp3 doesn't play like in the different pages and stuff
so it irritates me
felt this was pretty lovely(:

i'm starting to let go of certain things
and i've come to realise maybe things
ain't as bad.
letting go of a friendship and suddenly
i feel relieved
and actually there are many others out there
for me to care about and people that actually see me
for a long time i've been in darkness
but now im walking closer to the light.

MEETING MEIXIAN AT ESPLANADE
LUCKY I READ HER BLOG IF NOT
DON'T KNOW WHERE TO STUDY
GOT TO GO BYE!

A math complete screwed

Wednesday, August 27, 2008 @ 2:23 PM

just had my A math paper today

damn screwed up

all the questions i know how to do

and practiced

i didn't do

what the crap

i think i panicked

i dont know

only at the last minute i started remembering

and i got the answer

wanted to transfer to answer sheet i didn't

smart right..

didn't have time

damn it.

i feel bloody dumb now.

just change the song but you need to click Y

then can hear

once you switch pages the song is gone.

prelims

Tuesday, August 26, 2008 @ 9:35 PM

today just had my chinese paper

which i screw up big time

was falling asleep

crap.

yesterday had english

screwed up comprehension

cause i didn't like the passage

when everyone loved it.

weird.

i realise after the exam

i had more inspiration than during the exam

i need those inspiration in exmas

so i can write well

i write better english when im sort of emo

especially stories

i guess..

i'll try writing one here base on nicholas sparks book

or inspiration from friend's essay.

tomorrow A maths

going to flunk big time.

BIG TIME

i realise i don't know so many stuff

like intergration, differentiation of exponential functions

i fear trigo like crazy

the sight of sin,cos,tan etc

i would always skip the question

i hope to face my fears

but never able to.

how..

and im forgetting more than im remembering

forgetting everything i've once know

been reading nicholas sparks

MESSAGE IN THE BOTTLE

i wonder if one day

i threw a bottle with a message

would it go to the one fated for me.

things haven't quite change a bit

i took the chance to write and let her know

whats going on with out friendship

it didn't work

and its the end.

i know nothing could change the situation now

and i don't wanna keep trying again.

trigo

Sunday, August 24, 2008 @ 12:49 AM

studied at starbucks in the afternoon

i swear i bloody hate trigonometry

and its not E math is A math

can't do it at all

after looking at the cot and cosec

i pretty much died.

damn

how am i to survived prelims

i think im getting stupid

or i already am

HAHA

prelims coming

im soo DEAD

probably fail everything

like seriously

went out after studying

met my cousin

tried finding

jules verne's

journey to the centre of the earth

still can't find it

singapore doesn't seem to have it at all

saw some really cool lunch box $16

at borders

should have bought it just now

but was thinking over.

damn

wasted

bought nicholas sparks

message in the bottle(:

yay.

I WANT THE LUNCH BOX THING!

today was the last day of track events

USA finally did not screw up

won 4x400m relay men and women

woohoo.

and volleyball is like damn bloody cool

i wish some volleyball coach would come find me

and train me to play volleyball

rahh.

wanna play but can't find someone to play with

and someone to teach me

i mean yeah my dad knows how to play

apparently he doesn't have the time.

sigh

tomorrow meeting trisha like

damn early in the morning

thanks a lot

its 1am

and im suppose to wake up

like what..

8am?

thanks mann trish..

i should have infer something else.

damn.

liu xiang 110m hurdles
his world record race

oh almost forgot just one thing
something that made me think
and smile for the whole day
a simple good deed makes a person smile
when a person is appreciated
i simply hold the lift for a little boy
carrying too many things
he said "thank you"
just before he went out
it felt really good i got no idea why

i wish the world was more like that
appreciating others..
its really made my day
thanks little kid who stays like 4th floor.

updates

Friday, August 22, 2008 @ 9:51 PM

back from school
woohoo.

prelims start next week

totally screwed

pretty much havent even study

kill me please

rahhh..

im so not prepared for o's

okay more updates on

olympics(:

sharir wanted to bet with me
usain bolt won't break the WR

he thought bolt would do 19.6

haha i thought he would break the WR

"sharir you're so lucky you didn't bet with me!

if not you will be thrown down the floor"

haha!

so usain bolt ran a 19.3

amazing

mann he's crazy!

the cuba guy, robles won the hurdles

jamaica just screwed up the women's 4x100!

arghh!

i thought they were going to win!

liuxiang my idol(:

you left me alone once again

thanks a lot

sometimes i feel im too trusting

or too stupid

when you're oblivious to the fact that im there

i dont even know if i can call you a friend

a friend,is not how you're acting

so contradicting.

can't believe you call yourself my friend

jackass.

screwed up

Tuesday, August 19, 2008 @ 4:52 PM

well few more days to prelims written paper

practicals already started today

its the first one, chemistry

and i just screwed it up big time

i dont know whats wrong with me these days

maybe it is stress

never felt so..

short of time before

every now and then

i feel my whole body shaking.

now the obvious kind

like sort of the little vibrating kind

i dont know why

makes me feel so weird.

make me feel like my whole system just

broke down.

i need to relax

but i need to study at the same time

time is short and precious

yet for the first time i dont even feel prepared

so many things i can do

wanna do

now it just seem so outta reach.

prelims is next week and still haven't study a thing

nice.

o levels is not even three weeks after prelims

i think im totally gonna screw up o levels.

just hoping,praying

that things will turn out fine

im living day by day,

dont know what would happen tomorrow

just taking in the day's happenings as it is.

olympics(:

liu xiang china's hurdler pulled out of his event

due to injuries

sad. but im sure he'll rise up again soon

he's my idol mann(:

the whole world is pretty much

in shock about this.

usain bolt just did a 9.69

damn.

he didn't even push the last 20m

super amazing.

wanna watch gary reed's 800m

dang dont know when.

oh and russian female polt vaulter

just broke her own world record.

5.05m

last but not least

michael phelps

now the world's best swimmer

8 golds 7 world record

freak of nature

nice.

signing off got to go study

i hope i can

and i miss dancing even though

its only been about two weeks

i just miss being myself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always been the kind of girl

That hid my face

So afraid to tell the world

What I've got to say

But I have this dream right inside of me

I'm gonna let it show

It's time

To let you know

This is real

This is me

I'm exactly where I'm supposed

To be now

Gonna let the light shine on me

Now I've found who I am

There's no way to hold it in

No more hiding who I want to be

This is me

Do you know what it's like

To feel so in the dark

To dream about a life

Where you're the shining star

Even though it seems

Like it's too far away

I have to believe

In myself

it's the only way

lost somewhere

Thursday, August 14, 2008 @ 9:09 PM

okay just rejected my DPA application

for baking and culinary science in TP

well dont know if it was the right choice

but did it anyway

i dont know if i should have

but by doing so my choices are still open

but the weird thing..

i still dont feel too good bout' it.

my heart sort of aches?!

i got no idea.

maybe i did want that course

but still i can't imagine myself doing any job

i probably die before i reach working age?

no idea.touch wood

people who come here

who know me

think of a job you think its suitable for me

you think i would do

cause i got no idea what im working towards

i need to find a sense of direction

probably the people at tp

who interviewed me might be sort of disappointed

cause the guy knew mr remy

and wanted me to represent them in sports

well i would really love to.

but something is holding me back.

i dont know what

but i guess i really like to cook new stuff

however i got no idea is it seriously

or just something so casual.

got to go study soon

will update soon

track events for olympics start tomorrow

so go calvin(:

go michael phelps(:

go liuxiang(:

and good luck to the canadian team(:

well pretty much everyone out there

hope you do well(:

the end is near

Monday, August 11, 2008 @ 6:30 PM

going back school later

meeting noreen and meixian for dinner

didn't study much today

cause felt really tired

but did something at least.

lazy to post stuff dont know what to talk about.

elliot yamin- movin' on
listen to it its nice(:
im trying to get his album.
rahh

a step at a time

1:24 AM

its morning already and im using the com
nice.
and im telling myself to wake up at 9am
to study.
smart..
haha.

studied today with trisha at starbucks
i finished history and physics
and did like 15 questions or chemistry
slow progress..

then went for dinner with family
at sembawang
the food was good
ate crab,prawn,fish head and stuff like that
everything was nice
but the crab was weird
or maybe cause i felt really sick today.
oh well..

prelims is like in two weeks or less
totally not prepared.
this sucks.
oral is this tuesday
im still having cough
with all the phlegm and stuff stuck
im so dead.
haha.

someone told me 2.4 this week
i dont want to run
can i get defer.
i dont really care
the moment i exercise
i start coughing like im going to die
how do i survive 2.4..
i would pay a person $2 to help me run..
haha like thats going to happen..

tomorrow going back to school
feel like shopping.rahh.
or should i save money first.

havent dance for 2 weeks
feel so shag.

can someone check did i use singlish here?
cause i need to speak proper english
for oral.
typing without singlish is a good start(:

just changed my blogskin
find it simple and nice
credits to dancingsheep
although the song isn't really to my liking
find it a little loud
but its okay
its by click five
lazy to change it
trying it out
been searching for blogskin that is simple
for days.
finally found this(:

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

national day 08

Sunday, August 10, 2008 @ 1:03 AM

yesterday
celebrated national day in school
as per normal we sang like mad. ahah

after that in the afternoon to at night
went for
CANADIAN OLYMPIC RECEPTION
at paradiz centre
totally awesome had a great time there
although i was sorta tired after the whole thing
reach home at 12.
got to meet people like carline muir, 400m sprinter
pole vaulter kelsie, gary reed the 800m champion
and many more of course..
heres the link to this year's
canadian olympic track team profile
http://www.olympic.ca/Beijing2008/EN/Athletes/All/Athletics/searchResults.htm
cool(:
pictures:

today was absolutely..
i dont know boring or just typical
its national day so
happy 43rd birthday singapore!
met mariam,jannah, noreen plus some other people
at city hall around 5
apparenlt mariam and noreen were late so its like 6pm
walk around marina,suntec watch fire works
the end.
ate billy bombers for dinner
cause i was pretty much starving
after not eating the whole day.

meixian met noreen and i after that.
walked around marina square
and some fighting incident happened
there was blood along the corridor
so the police blocked of the area.
wonder what happened?..
went off at 11pm reach home around 12pm

tomorrow..study..
im dead tired now.rahh

maybe it just aint that bad

Thursday, August 7, 2008 @ 4:21 PM

i passed physics test
well on the dot 10/20
haha.
had another surprise maths quiz.
thanks a lot miss kelly! haha
on the topics that i do not know.

read the papers just now
calvin kang is taking part in 100m(:
go calvin!
and i do hope liu xiang wins hurdle(:

pictures for nationals 08
(sorry a bit slow) haha theres more to come..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everytime I think I'm closer to the heart

Of what it means to know just who I am

I think I've finally found a better place to start

But no one ever seems to understand

I need to try to get to where you are

Could it be, your not that far

You're the voice I hear inside my head,

the reason that I'm singing

I need to find you

I gotta find you

You're the missing piece I need,

the song inside of me

I need to find you

I gotta find you

Oh yeah

Yeah yeah

You're the remedy

I'm searching hard to find

To fix the puzzle that I see inside

Painting all my dreams the color of your smile

When I find you It will be alright

I need to try to get to where you are

Could it be, your not that far

You're the voice I hear inside my head,

the reason that I'm singingI need to find you

I gotta find you

You're the missing piece I need,

the song inside of meI need to find you

I gotta find you

Been feeling lost, can't find the words to say

Spending all my time, stuck in yesterday

Where you are is where I wanna be

Oh next to you... and you next to me

Oh I need to find you... yeah

You're the voice I hear inside my head,

the reason that I'm singing

I need to find you (I need to find you)

I gotta find you (yeah, yeah)

You're the missing piece I need,

the song inside of me

I need to find you

I gotta find you

(x2)

Yeah Yeah!

I gotta find you

lost.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008 @ 3:40 PM

finally i feel like blogging.
like seriously
i need a portal to say what i need to say.

broke down in physics class once again
i need to control my emotions
i realise what i once understand
wasn't what i understand now
i realise there's so many missing pieces in my mind
some of the pieces somehow just flew away
some are just hidden from me
unable to access it
i find it so hard to carry on
so hard to keep that fighting spirit inside of me
so difficult to just bring myself to even..try..
typing this post makes me wanna tear once again
but i know if i don't let the feeling go away
it'll be here to stay.

i just need to find that one link to physics.
somehow its so different.
why can't i just find the link to it
why can i easily just know what a person say about another subject
but never physics
feels like a stranger..
i don't know if i can make it
when everyone say i can..
just cause my other subjects are alright
but its different this time.
i know i was never as smart as my bro
but i was always willing to try
to change that..
i guess my parents sometimes wonder
how can my bro be so smart
but im so like..stupid
i wonder too ya know.
now i know maybe i should stop trying.
cause i think i've reach the end where all these started.

came across a quote from nicholas sparks book
a walk to remember
here it goes:

Love is always patient and kind.

It is never jealous.

Love is never boastful or conceited

It is never rude or selfish

It does not take offense and is not resentful.

Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth.

It is always ready to excuse,to trust, to hope and endure whatever comes

brain dead

Tuesday, August 5, 2008 @ 4:26 PM

argh im having major brain dead today
had social studies test
well i pretty much don't know how to do
blank out when i got the stupid paper.
rahh.

damn tired today
slept at 12 plus yesterday
woke up when piriyah was flipping her papers
or packing her stuff next door at 7 in the morning
went back to sleep like 5 minutes
after that woke up again
and couldn't go back to sleep

knocked out in chemistry class and ss test
chem class was like doing mcq or something
totally couldn't think.
i think im stress.

i still cant let go.
do i ever cross your mind in the warm sunshine?
if only you knew
which you never will..

its a song i really like for now(:
gotta find you by the jonas brothers

its ending

Saturday, August 2, 2008 @ 7:32 PM

its saturday this means
that my one week holiday
is ending. rahh.

okay now im borrowing noreen's com
again.
at her house studying
im left with 2 ss and english essays
dread it..
big time.
crap

okay went for dance class before this
danced to shawty get loose.
woohoo
nice but fast
rahh
still sick
so i guess i was extremely blur during the class
had lots of locking stuff.
well i concentrated on not fainting rather then the moves

singfest is today and tomorrow
but so broke to go
haha.

tomorrow maybe meet cousin to buy shoes
im so a shoe addict(:

got to check in school by like 11?
so thats cool.
can go school not on sunday

noreen's having tuition now. haha
im entertaining myself with her com.

i miss you
i really really do
wanna see you do what you do once again.
i know you dont feel nothing
i know i never crossed your mind
i know im not part of anything you do.
im not suppose to fall for you
not suppose to think about anything
that why im learning to fall
and let go.
why do i keep breaking something im suppose to keep
i was suppose to not hope
not let it get too high
and take a hard fall
for you i will.
only you.
i just wish you all the best
i will just support you from the back
cause deep down i know no matter how hard i try
to let go..this time its different.
its harder than before.
i wish sometime i could say it straight to you
i like you.
but i just can't.