Insane Moments

Between who you are and who you could be.

I'm Amanda. 20. I dance and I run.
Graduated from Leisure and Resort Management,
but I have no idea what I want from life yet.
Don't judge me.

isolation

Friday, October 24, 2008 @ 9:17 PM

i can't stop feeling the way i feel i don't know what has made me become who i am everywhere i turn i don't know what is the truth to me now everything i see it's a lie because i don't know who is telling the truth who is lying when i realise people are such great liars i stopped believing stop believing in everything i once knew even myself why they are such great liars because you can't even tell they are lying straight to your face don't act like you know me or you're a friend when you don't treat me like one just go away get lost i don't need your pity i don't need your lousy friendship i don't want to see you and in the back of my mind i know you're a liar a hypocrite just standing in front of me being someone you're maybe not i don't really care alright laugh all you want talk about me behind my back all you want i know you've done it before i know you are capable of doing again i'm not as stupid as you think i'm not so innocent that i do not know what is happening around me i just act like a bloody idiot that doesn't know a damn thing actually in fact i'm much smarter than you think
i'm always isolating myself when i feel that my presence doesn't matter cause i know i'm really non existent i just wanna get away from people that i just don't want to see just wanna get away from the crowd sometimes and just wander into my own world where the world lonely is what is all about but i simply don't feel lonely because i'm simply numb to that feeling.i know it is hurting myself but i rather be this way than be someone i'm not or try to like someone i don't or just see someone i don't want to see in my mind there is always this question do people even know i exist do people even regard me as human a friend or something im always the last for everything be it knowing anything be it called to an outing i think i should stop trying to keep friendships cause as much as im trying others dont really care cause they have others
today i told god if he actually heard me can he just punish me for whatever sins i've done in my previous life or whatsoever just kill me i probably die with a smile because i stopped others who suffered cause of me and well my existent doesn't matter so people would just forget me and move on so killing me would help save my parents from crisis or burden and save friends from getting irritated and pissed of with me maybe i wasn't meant to be here maybe i was cunning in my previous life and took someone else's life.
i probably shouldn't think about it at all but can't help it cause so many times i just wished that i could go somewhere else start afresh or just leave quietly and walk out of everyone's life without them even knowing
i can't believe i believed and tried to help someone but just after a day i see the whole picture why the hell are you trying to get pity from me and hell i thought it was real f*ck the tears you shed you're just one big effing liar i can't believe i trust what you said and you just made me change everything i once knew i just condemned everything cause i don't even know which words are true anymore

and here i close my heart to the world
goodbye world