I've been running away from everything in front of me. Telling people I'm
okay but the fact that i'm not. I don't know what i've got to do right now, to
believe in people who know me my entire life or to believe in myself. When
presented with only one option that you're unwilling to take or afraid to go,what would you do? When the choice is in fact, not even up to you to decide.When it actually is a road laid out beautifully like icing on a cake. Is it really all that important, why do you keep questioning me? I'm really tired, to hold myself together, to make my stand and to try to live my life the way i want it. Why do you keep creating obstacles when it is all not necessary? Why can't you make it easier for me? You feel like i have it easy, you feel like i'm really useless don't you? Sick and tired of all the things that you say. I think you pretty much view as no future. Maybe it's true because i don't even have faith in myself anymore. Just do what you want. I pretty much give up on going against. I just want everything, all of these, to stop right now.

The choice is mine to make and no one else.When you're presented two things that you love equally how am i suppose to make a choice, choosing one over the other. It's nearly impossible. I thought i could let one go, but after almost a year it doesn't seem possible. I still miss the other, i still want it. If the timing is good, everything would be in place. In life, you don't always get what you want. Probably, that's why life ain't easy. The times when i'm not feeling the music and dance, it's the time when i'm questioning myself, can i really dance? Am i meant to do this? I know sports is in my blood, i definitely can do it without much difficulty if i work hard. But, what about dance? When i look at myself in the mirror, i feel like an idiot. Really, because i feel like i look like an absolute retard. I'll just leave it to time i guess. I think i'm just unlucky because the life i have and the road i'm taking or have chosen to take is more difficult than any other i have taken so far.

picture from google

Let me start by saying, please ignore my previous so called "emo" post. i don't even know who on earth i was talking about. Anyone who feels i am talking about them, please do not take it to heart, i'm probably just scolding thin air because i really no idea who it was directed to.

Moving on, today i went out with Divya and Mei Xian aka Kayla. We decided to watch Whip It, it was a totally AWESOME movie! Please go and watch it! After that we just walked around aimlessly because we have no idea what to do. After D left, K and I were walking around Raffles City because she wanted to get a bag. She didn't want to go home without a new bag. At the end of the day, her mum didn't allow her to buy a new bag, i ended up getting a bag that she was considering for the price of $55.90. I think it was on impulse somehow, i do like the bag and definitely in need of a bag that is approximately that size(small). It's from Assessorize. Everything is so expensive there. I'm surprise i even bought something from there. I saw a pouch that i really like, which looks like it's worth $5. It actually cost $21.90. Thank goodness i did not buy it. K suggested we should go Daiso. Maybe we should.

That's all for update, hope tomorrow will be a good day.

what's happening these days
is me or is it people around me
i try to ignore it
push the feeling away
but it seems all i've been trying to do
is run away from the truth.
i feel so forgotten these days
it really sucks when you treat people as your friend
and they treat you like a nobody
sometimes i wonder are you really my friend?
or are you just saying it cause i'm there?
or for the sake of saying it?
i rather people just tell me straight to my face
then give me some shitass lies or treat me non-existence
when i'm just right in front of your fucking face.
really, if you don't want me there just tell me,
saves your time and mine.
applies to all.
i don't want to be an idiot, who is obviously not welcome
and there getting cold shoulders.
it's been weeks, really i hate it.
and you think i'm stupid not to know anything?
you guys are the ones that saying the latest happenings in front of me
and you guys can go "oh no one tell you?"
please stop being a hypocrite and get the fuck away.
shedding tears, god knows whether is it real
and the whole world just surround you
you've got every fucking shit in your life
i have nothing, not even a full family at home for 5 minutes.
when i cry no one sees, no one knows.
what i have is my pillow, bolster, bed and an empty house to lean on.
friends or no friends, i really don't even know who are my friends
i trust only the closest, the ssp.
cause i know you guys got my back.
laugh all you want, is it really that funny, come to think of it.
just fuck my life.really.
it would really be awesome if it ends right now.

Went to Sentosa beach today with K/MX, D, D's Sis, N and R
damn lazy to type name. sorry.
was just a slack day!
and i dropped my camera!
omg, i screamed in the toilet
cause it got caught with my shorts when i was changing
and it flipped, fell on the ground
ouch.
and the side chipped a little bit
i am sad.
thank goodness there is the cover.
ate Subway for dinner! woohoo!
slept in the bus!

tomorrow 10AM in school for costume claim!
GOOD LUCK CROSS COUNTRY PEOPLE!(:

i decided to read conversation history today
somehow i could laugh
i just wish we could always talk like that.
i wish you notice.

4) Bro and Sis.
you probably know who you guys are, maybe you don't feel special.
but in some ways, you guys are, inside my heart.
for fun, laughter, sadness or tiredness, we share with each other.
grumbles and worries we share it too.
i know i can always count on you guys.
Thank you so much for everything, for always being there whenever things happen.
May our love for dance continue to grow and all of keep dancing together(:

5)) K/MX, N, D, G and M
Thank you guys for coming down to support(:
though it's not a track competition, maybe it's something you probably don't really know how to appreciate. but really appreciate that you make the effort to come and watch me perform, for always supporting me no matter what decisions i make.
i don't know if i'll ever get back on the track, but if i don't. i know you guys will be there always.
MX, N and D, friends till the end yeah? i remember we always talk about when we grow old and our teeth falls, we'll laugh about all the nonsense we do in our teens.haha!

6) Everyone that came to support or gave moral support
Thank you(: greatly appreciate it!

Putting aside GEM 5, i watched Flair Nation Production on Sunday
It was a prety good showcase i got to say.
Good job guys(: Really improved from the last time i saw all of you(:
went to eat with the poppers after that! fun fun(:
after train-ing to bugis, saw Mei Qi, Jean Tan, Ah foong and Timothy at the bus stop
they look so tired cause of the i am the system vetting!
rest well guys!

i didn't go anywhere today, stayed home the whole day
it rained heavily, which was really sad!
but oh well, it was a good rest day(:
update soon. toodles people!

it's gonna be a crazy week. I hope i'm ready. I really don't know how ready i am cause sometimes people forget about you, and the feeling is really horrible, it feels like you're being used, and kicked aside, left forgotten. I know what it feels like, and i suppose it's happening again. Just constantly hoping for the best.

I bought a new camera today at the IT fair. $500. oh well. I manage to get my refund from studio wu, so i'm quite relieve in a sense. I'm still trying to think of a place where i can learn house dancing.

Long week, i suppose i should get my beauty sleep. May the night fall beautifully before the sun rise once again. Toodles and i shall update soon.

I really wish to say " i had a great day". I really wanna say "i'm happy". I really wanna say " everything is gonna be okay", but i really can't.

Everyday isn't going well. It's not because of concert, it's not because of all the crazy trainings, it's not because of the fatigue i'm feeling, it's not because of the long rides home late and night being half dead.

It's all the things that i should care about. it's killing me that i can't make things better. i can't do anything to help the situation. Instead, i make things worst. My bro is right to call me stupid and useless, that's cause i really am. All i can do is envy the happy, rich, healthy families. My grand aunt is getting old, she's paying for my family house loan, my sports school school fees last time, she's not working and recently she's in the hospital, i have no idea why. Without her, i probably can't study and won't be where i am today. She prays for my family everyday and yet i can't do a single shit to repay her. My dad's not young either. At his age, most would be enjoying life with grandchildren. But, he's working, very hard and doing all he can to support the family. All i can do is spend and not save. If he's gone on day, my family would just fall apart. i don't want that day to come. But, i do feel something is not right and it's been stuck with me for a long time. Many complain about their lives, what materialistic stuff they don't have, things they don't get. I don't complain about all these, i complain everything in my heart but the only thing i complain about is why when i get home everyday, there is always a person missing or why am i the only one at home. Do you know how it feels to come home and know that no one is there?, do you know what is like to fend for yourself when something happens?, do you know what is like to want something but not being able to just ask for money to get it?, do you know what it's like to save every single dollar from your pocket money for months just to get what you want and people can just spoil it? really, do you know? it's heartbreaking, it's really so difficult, i miss the times when my whole family would be home. We can sit and have a home cooked meal for dinner. Do you know how long it has been since i had home cooked food? i really can't remember, years maybe. i just wish someone can say "i've got your back" and make everything better. All i can do is cry in my room, when i'm out of my room, a fake smile on my face to let my family know i'm alright and i'm a happy girl. Tiring it gets really. I'm just really tired from everything. Falling asleep and just hoping everyday will be better. People, just cherish what you have, you never know when things change and takes a toll on you.

i don't even know if i believe
committing to it is even harder
but when someone asks you to commit to it
what can i do
defy?
i can't.
i don't know what i can do to make things better

maybe none of these make sense to readers.
it's just thoughts

actually i am damn bloody lazy to blog
seriously.
just a short update will do i suppose.

it wasn't suppose to be a fun camp
but thank goodness for all the crazy juniors around me
made it fun
to be honest, the camp is not a camp.
oh wells its over.

one thing that bugs me is the PT
i am so disappointed in myself
really.
like is worse than losing a competition
couldn't even finish 3 rounds.
and it's like jogging
can't breathe, chest pain.
sigh.
why now.
i never felt so useless is something i specialised in
something i know so well and love so much.

concert coming, but somehow i don't feel the motivation
sigh. go go go?

watching Hotel Rwanda now
really good show
sad, but it's a true story
how can people try to exterminate another race
they still people, and they don't choose to be that race
they just happen to be
it's really sad to know that things like this does exist
lucky i'm in Singapore
thank God. really.