No one reads, I know. That's good anyway. Writing diaries hurts my wrist, so typing makes everything easier. I don't like seeing my blog looking sad and all, but it's my only ranting spot.

Anyway,

Exams are over so I have a short approximately one month holiday.
I'm supposed to feel happy and excited. I thought it's all gonna be over ya know? like all the pain I feel in my heavy heart, the weight on my shoulders and in my mind that I feel all the time. I thought it would go away for awhile. Even just for a little while, but it doesn't. It's still there. Constantly. How stupid of me. I'm trying so hard to take all this pain away, I try to be happy, I try to be normal. I just want to feel normal again, even if it doesn't mean happiness. I just want to feel okay, not stressing about something and feeling all the things in my mind. I'm only 20. Isn't it the time to explore and discover life a little more, do the things I like to do, chase some dreams?

(Maybe people would think I'm over exaggerating, i'm making my life sound worst than maybe what it really is, just maybe..but, well everyone have their own problems in life. I can't say I have the worst in the world but, it's my problems that I feel pain so don't judge me.)

I don't like the feeling of owing something, debts you have to pay. Knowing that the amount is so much more than what you can afford. I don't like this weight. I feel so horrible and stress about it, how can anyone not feel anything? Why is money such a problem? I look at how difficult it is for my parents to get money, how we get by. It hurts. I think I'm crazy because I retain pain in my heart. I take everything and throw it in my heart and let it hurt so bad. I just want it to stop but, I don't know how to. I think I need to stop blaming myself for everything that happens. I think I can't stop blaming myself for the decisions I made that contributed to the family situation right now..

I'm simply afraid, afraid of waking up in the morning everyday, afraid of any messages that come on my phone everyday would be something that stresses, afraid I wouldn't be able to make it through the day, afraid I wouldn't be able to take it and one day just simply give up on everything just like that. When I sit in my room and look out the window with no grills, sometimes I think I could end it just like that but, thankfully with some rationality I know it's not the way. The pain in my heart is simply filled with fear. I don't dare to dream of doing anything that seems irrational anymore, anything relaxing or simply nothing at all.

I was supposed to quit my job, guess everything has changed now. I don't know how I'm gonna cope. Honestly. HOW. It's running through my mind like on repeat. What if I don't make it through? Everyday Ifs, the impossibles come to my head. Why don't happy moments last? Why does it only last for a few hours? Why isn't home the place where I can be happy anymore? The only reason I wanna step home is roof over my head and a bed to sleep on. Things changed pretty drastically huh over the past 10 years. It's spiraling downwards obviously. Who ever said the future was of hopes and dreams? I don't believe in that anymore, cause it all died maybe like 5  years ago.

Memories dig into my heart and torture me, no matter how much I block my ears and shout, like a fool I blankly stand here - Huh Gak's "Whenever you play that song"