Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark? To be caught up in all those mess called life that you never wanted to be in. Well I do. It feels like a frustrating moment every single day of your life, it feels like you try to be happy but you never seem to truly be. To lose the smile you wish you could keep, to be overwhelm with darkness the moment you close your doors, to only feel truly happy when i'm unconscious. I never wanted to be this monster, I know who i want to be. I want to be that girl, the good one, the one that everyone wants to be. I want to be pretty, smart and just the girl next door. But, i can't. Home is my darkness, home doesn't feel like home. There are days I thought, it's gonna be good. but it never was, it never did. The smell of smoke and ashes fill the air like I'm stuck in the fire, the smell I feel i could never get away from. To fill like you can never breathe a fresh air again, because it seems like it never existed. None of it matters. What I wanted was not the fresh air. All i needed was help, I said it out loud but no one can hear me. When i get frustrated, they say take your time because you're making everyone else angry. How can i not be angry, how can i be calm? When i feel time is running out, I can't barely breathe and no one was willing to help me? I can't even be a little angry, a little frustrated? What kind of life or a lie am i living? Where every tear, every anger I could only do it behind closed doors.Sometimes I wanna say, I'm done with this and just get away. But where can i go? What am I gonna do? For the first time, I really felt I had no one. Sometimes I used to think, it was the work, the money. Right now, I feel like shit, the least important thing to be concern about. A burden. But I'm not ready to give up right now. Someday a change is gonna come.

Well well, it's been awhile since i updated, guess i've been pretty busy? i'm just lazy haha. Well rather than explaining my whole holiday in words. Picture speaks a thousand words right? So i didn't have a very long holiday, just about 1 month. I simply danced, went to adventure cove, universal studios singapore and go back to TP for track trainings. Life is simple like that.




xx

Everytime when i think about that one moment,
just that moment, i get scared.
because i never felt anything so real and close to my heart like that
At that one moment, i know i felt something deep down.
I don't know if you felt it.
It was something so special to me that i always think about it.
Maybe that's why it so difficult for me to let go because
I can't forget that moment.

I fucking miss you k
I wanna get over you
but i don't know how
It's been months, a lot of months
I don't know how long.
you're everything I don't look for
but of all the boys, i like you.
Why you?
I bet you're doing things that you don't even know sends the wrong signals
how to get over you?
just tell me how.

Sometimes i can't explain how sorry i am to the people closest to me.
I'm sorry I can't be the one that will be there for you immediately.
I seem to always have something else on
But, i'm so grateful for all the support I get.
I'll try to change.

Just a couple more days to GEM 8!
ARE YOU READY!
Feeling so excited, even though i'll be only doing one item
but, the feeling is really pretty insane maybe cause it's alumni item.
Hope everything goes well!
Especially my school work, hope i can finish at least 80% of Louis's assignment by Thursday!
*pray hard*

And a few more days before GEM 8 is over, and i wouldn't see you for awhile.
guess its all good =')

I knew it, Rumors huh.
Guess maybe its not so simple.

xx
a little bit longer and i'll be fine

I promise myself I would be strong
I promise myself I would move on
I promise myself I would forget about you
those are all the things i still want to do
but there are times when you feel the need to rant
which is right now for me.

I always wonder what is it about me that you can't trust
what is it about me that can't be compared to the rest
no matter how hard i try to lend you a hand, you never let me
and when some random person comes along you take it willingly
I said i'll be there for you, but you said you don't need it
Am i really not comparable to the rest?
Am i really that lousy in so many ways?
Or does look really matter to you too in this case.
I don't know what to do anymore to make you put your trust in me.
It's not that i'm not helping, it's not that i'm not trying
nothing is working and to me, maybe it's time i stopped trying
you can blame the whole world about how they ignore everything you say
but, the truth is, it's not like that.
I understand why people say certain things and you don't like it.
but, sometimes it's not their fault, you made them say it.
You're a true friend they say.
Maybe it's so true that I find it so difficult to keep.
You're true to everyone maybe not me
I don't like to hold on to things that are not mine
so i guess you're one of those things
maybe you're a mistake and everything as well.
If i'm not worthy of your trust, maybe cause i don't wanna be either
I don't wanna be treated like trash anymore
I'm a person, not someone you say hi whenever you want and the next moment say get lost to.
It's time I stopped letting you play me like a toy
It's time i put you behind
This time its true, i hope it is.
It's sad for it to be this way
but, you made me.
You hurt me and don't even give a shit.
Apologies doesn't seem to be in your dictionary
and i am sick and tired of it.
This could go on forever, but i guess i'm gonna stop right here
with a tough goodbye, and i'll see you whenever
hopefully by then i'll be alright, and you won't be able to hurt me no more.

xx

Everything feels much better now(:
I like it this way.
February has been pretty good to me!

It's March by the way.
Hope it gets better!

Assignments are piling up and GEM is coming
so gotta work harder gogogo!
Stress but I'm gonna make it somehow.
Guess there goes my hours of sleep.
Certain sacrifices are worth making I guess,
I've made a lot of mistakes in my past but,
I don't want to go back there where everything felt so wrong.
So keep moving forward!

xx

Haven't updated in awhile, guess i've been pretty busy! Anyway, other than school I had an advance birthday celebration at Costa Sands Pasir Ris on 2nd and 3rd of feb! It was pretty hectic sometimes, but i'm glad with the turnout and how everything went. Really glad it wasn't awkward for any groups of friends and everything went alright except the food shortage part. Wanna thank my mum for booking the nice chalet, Divya for helping me with everything, Mx and piriyah with some planning too! Thank you to all my friends that came down! Love y'all to the moon and back can't ask for better friends(: Here's some pictures but the rest are on Facebook(:







So my actual birthday was on the 9th. It went pretty alright, just a chill day. Had breakfast in the morning with Rong Xin at Macs. Thanks for the treat sis! and then watched Ah Boyz to Men 2 with Mx and P! Hilarious movie. Never knew Singapore movie can be so funny(: Reunion dinner after that! Not much on my birthday i guess! Just a few pictures!




Turning 21 has been the weirdest feeling ever. Officially into adulthood and honestly not really looking forward to what's ahead. I have to really grow up. It's funny how when you were a kid and you wished you grew up, now i wished i didn't have to. A year older means much more responsibilities!Shall take this opportunity to thank all those that are part of my life, who made a difference, left an impact, contributed and in some ways or any ways part of it! Thank you because without any of you I wouldn't be where I am, I wouldn't be in poly and ssp. I'm truely grateful for all the times and memories i had in Saint Anthony's, Sports School and Temasek Polytechnic, Those were the best times of my life, i made wonderful friends and learned a great load of things. As much as I may be unhappy with a lot of things in my life, I am happy for getting to where I am after 21 years, I am happy for all the friends I have and all the things I did like dance & track. Dance & track, especially track was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, it taught me so  much, disicpline, hardwork, teamwork and a lot more. It was something I was so passionate about and something i dearly miss, hope i get back to it soon! I guess I'm glad I made the choices I made, like going to TP even though i stay at the other end, joining back track and juggling with 2 CCAs, it really created a lot of good memories that will remain forever in my heart and mind(: The unwillingness to turn 21 is unusually strong, but I can't turn back time, so all you have to do is look forward! I had my glory days, my happy days and sad ones too, more to come and all I can do is receive it. Been more positive lately and I like it this way. Some things I hope to do in 2013 I guess, haven't really had time to give a thorough thought!
-Lose weight!
-Continue track and dance!
-Do well for school and not remodule for anything! (seriously important)
Most of all, be happy(: everyone is chasing for that bit of happiness, so why not me?
Can't think at 230am, will  update more when i have time!
Dear Dom, I think of you time to time, to remind me how important life is. I hope you're partying up there! miss you dom!

oh did i mention, i made the decision to join Gem this year. I don't know if i'm crazy but I guess since I said yes, I have to give it my all. Assignments please me good to me! Praying that I survive this! so worried!

That's all I have for tonight, Happy CNY to everyone!
and whoever reading this, toodles
xx

Maybe you've found out, may not
but I trust my instincts.
You probably found someone.
I can feel you drifting, I can feel it for quite awhile.
I cannot say how many 'sorry' I owe you.
Just accept my last apology for taking up all your time.
I know what I have to do, but I'm always doubting my strength and my own heart
I can't do anything to make you go, so I will.
As subtle as I can, and on top of that
I have to believe in myself if not no one else would.

I just have to walk away now.
but, i'll always remember how you've helped me
i'll always be grateful.

Feeling the need to rant because with you on my mind I can't seem to do anything right. I wish I could delete you like how I use a mouse on a computer, I wish I can forget about you just like that.
I asked myself why I can't,
one, i'm afraid of losing you, i'm afraid of not being able to talk to you ever.
two, i can't let this feeling go, i'm afraid i would feel empty all over again.
three, i can't help it because you just light up my heart like fireworks
four, because you're the most real and true person i have ever met
five, i have never felt like that for someone for so long
six, you're the first person i unconditionally open my heart to.

maybe i can give a lot of reasons, but in the end it would still hurt.
i just don't want to hurt anymore.
it's like everyday i tell myself, it's gonna be okay when i know its not.
i tell myself you're not worth it, but i feel like i'm not worth it.
i know where this is going, so why wait?
i don't want to, but i don't know how to end this.
all this time i tell myself no, but i'm deceiving myself and everyone else.
just stop.

i really need to be ruthless this time, it's gonna be good for me right?
i hope so too.

as words come. But put

them together side-by-side and they

have the power to haunt you for the

rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

"I don't know how your story ended.

But I know that if what you felt

then was love - true love - then

it's never too late. If it was true

then it why wouldn't it be true

now? You need only the courage to

follow your heart..."

"I don't know what a love like that

feels like... a love to leave loved

ones for, a love to cross oceans

for... but I'd like to believe if I

ever felt it. I'd have the courage

to seize it. I hope you had the

courage to seize it, Claire. And if

you didn't, I hope one day that you

will." - Letters to Juliet