i wish i could say
Sunday, March 14, 2010 @ 12:11 AM
Everyday isn't going well. It's not because of concert, it's not because of all the crazy trainings, it's not because of the fatigue i'm feeling, it's not because of the long rides home late and night being half dead.
It's all the things that i should care about. it's killing me that i can't make things better. i can't do anything to help the situation. Instead, i make things worst. My bro is right to call me stupid and useless, that's cause i really am. All i can do is envy the happy, rich, healthy families. My grand aunt is getting old, she's paying for my family house loan, my sports school school fees last time, she's not working and recently she's in the hospital, i have no idea why. Without her, i probably can't study and won't be where i am today. She prays for my family everyday and yet i can't do a single shit to repay her. My dad's not young either. At his age, most would be enjoying life with grandchildren. But, he's working, very hard and doing all he can to support the family. All i can do is spend and not save. If he's gone on day, my family would just fall apart. i don't want that day to come. But, i do feel something is not right and it's been stuck with me for a long time. Many complain about their lives, what materialistic stuff they don't have, things they don't get. I don't complain about all these, i complain everything in my heart but the only thing i complain about is why when i get home everyday, there is always a person missing or why am i the only one at home. Do you know how it feels to come home and know that no one is there?, do you know what is like to fend for yourself when something happens?, do you know what is like to want something but not being able to just ask for money to get it?, do you know what it's like to save every single dollar from your pocket money for months just to get what you want and people can just spoil it? really, do you know? it's heartbreaking, it's really so difficult, i miss the times when my whole family would be home. We can sit and have a home cooked meal for dinner. Do you know how long it has been since i had home cooked food? i really can't remember, years maybe. i just wish someone can say "i've got your back" and make everything better. All i can do is cry in my room, when i'm out of my room, a fake smile on my face to let my family know i'm alright and i'm a happy girl. Tiring it gets really. I'm just really tired from everything. Falling asleep and just hoping everyday will be better. People, just cherish what you have, you never know when things change and takes a toll on you.
dying?
Thursday, March 11, 2010 @ 1:16 AM
Concert training is killing me
i feel like dropping dead and just dying.
commitment
Monday, March 8, 2010 @ 12:36 AM
committing to it is even harder
but when someone asks you to commit to it
what can i do
defy?
i can't.
i don't know what i can do to make things better
maybe none of these make sense to readers.
it's just thoughts
dance camp
Saturday, March 6, 2010 @ 11:22 PM
seriously.
just a short update will do i suppose.
it wasn't suppose to be a fun camp
but thank goodness for all the crazy juniors around me
made it fun
to be honest, the camp is not a camp.
oh wells its over.
one thing that bugs me is the PT
i am so disappointed in myself
really.
like is worse than losing a competition
couldn't even finish 3 rounds.
and it's like jogging
can't breathe, chest pain.
sigh.
why now.
i never felt so useless is something i specialised in
something i know so well and love so much.
concert coming, but somehow i don't feel the motivation
sigh. go go go?
watching Hotel Rwanda now
really good show
sad, but it's a true story
how can people try to exterminate another race
they still people, and they don't choose to be that race
they just happen to be
it's really sad to know that things like this does exist
lucky i'm in Singapore
thank God. really.
when age catches up
Wednesday, March 3, 2010 @ 11:45 PM
today i saw two things that made me think
1)an old couple crossing the road hand in hand
i was in the bus that was waiting for the pedestrians to go
and looking out the window i saw the old couple
the timer was almost gone but they were going too slowly
trying to move faster but can't
still hand in hand they went
even though the old man could walk a little faster than his wife
in my mind, all i thought was
will i have someone with me when i'm old?
or will i be old and lonely?
it's really a great sight to see people being together all their lives
of course many wish it's love.
but life is unpredictable,
so i just settle for what is a better possibility,friends
i just wish my best friends,the crazy toots
will be there until we grow old
and we can laugh at all our stupid jokes and shitass nonsense.
good memories, and ongoing(:
2)an old lady dressed in macdonald's uniform
obviously she work for macs
from a society point of view,
it's good cause she's old but contributing.
there's an ageing population so need these old ladies to work
blah blah.
but old lady's point of view, is it a good thing?
shouldn't she be enjoying life.
why isn't her kids providing for her?
i just thought if i'm old
will i be like that too?
working for macdonalds?
it's really she could hardly walk faster enough to get down the bus with the crowd
slogging all her life and can't enjoy it.
reality can be really harsh sometimes.
shall not dwell too much on it
and enjoy life, every moment of it.
hell days are coming
and i'm freaking tired.
why can't you just get out of my mind
is this really too deep this time
seeing is like breaking
Tuesday, March 2, 2010 @ 11:03 PM
i'm really grateful for friends like them
people who stand by you no matter what shit happens
probably the best people i would meet my entire life
love you girls till the end
well it includes others of course
you know who you are P and N.
had hip hop training today
basically clean up steps
after that ate at macs
and went home.
surprisingly eh.
bought a new nike sports bra(:
i tried depositing my new year money
but apparently the machine doesn't accept $2 and $5 notes
i wanted to get rid of them.
dammit.
tomorrow 9AM in school for meeting.
sigh.
a surprise to see you
happy and sad at the same time
leaves me thinking
trying so hard to forget but still not working
but at the same time,
i finally got to see you.
stop doing this to me
is there more?
Monday, March 1, 2010 @ 11:53 PM
backtrack a little
Saturday went to watch allcomers
it's been awhile since i watch a track competition
even though it is just one run
and a pretty useless competition except for rankings cause it's open
but it gives me something to think about
and it's been 6 months or so since i actually ran
the feeling was great, i think i really missed it
cause all the friends i knew were there
the familiar faces,atmosphere and the same old gombak stadium
sometimes i just wish i had time to do everthing i love
track and dance.
it's really hard to make a choice between things that you love
dance is great but different.
there's only so far a music can take you
maybe like a 4 minute intrigue
but sports it depends on how long you want it
how long your body can take it
i like sports, it's outdoor and it takes you mind off stuff
the fire is still burning inside
the passion is still alive.
either path i take is gonna be difficult.
so just keep thinking till i find what i'm suppose to do.
Sunday was staying home and playing gunbound
and rot.
Today was the start of my concert training
which would be equivalent to crazy hell holiday
i'm still sick with cough and breathing is difficult
and i feel like dying
netherless i still went for training
it was Reggae from 2-4PM
but ended early
it was alright, just feel really shitty.
after that met D and MX at orchard
watched Valentine's Day the movie
it was awesome, and funny!
worh the $7
i still wanna watch Percy Jackson though
haven't watched it yet.
walked around and went orchard central
we snapped photos like mad.
shall upload some soon
all the photos are with MX!
anyway tomorrow i've got training from 1-3PM
feel like going queensway to buy shoes after that.
oh well shall think about it.
bye world.
someone once told me
if you wanna forget, you shouldn't talk to the person
but i haven't been talking to you
not on purpose, but apparently so
i'm not forgetting
you're on my mind like a permanent picture.
i just wish you knew.
Saturday went to watch allcomers
it's been awhile since i watch a track competition
even though it is just one run
and a pretty useless competition except for rankings cause it's open
but it gives me something to think about
and it's been 6 months or so since i actually ran
the feeling was great, i think i really missed it
cause all the friends i knew were there
the familiar faces,atmosphere and the same old gombak stadium
sometimes i just wish i had time to do everthing i love
track and dance.
it's really hard to make a choice between things that you love
dance is great but different.
there's only so far a music can take you
maybe like a 4 minute intrigue
but sports it depends on how long you want it
how long your body can take it
i like sports, it's outdoor and it takes you mind off stuff
the fire is still burning inside
the passion is still alive.
either path i take is gonna be difficult.
so just keep thinking till i find what i'm suppose to do.
Sunday was staying home and playing gunbound
and rot.
Today was the start of my concert training
which would be equivalent to crazy hell holiday
i'm still sick with cough and breathing is difficult
and i feel like dying
netherless i still went for training
it was Reggae from 2-4PM
but ended early
it was alright, just feel really shitty.
after that met D and MX at orchard
watched Valentine's Day the movie
it was awesome, and funny!
worh the $7
i still wanna watch Percy Jackson though
haven't watched it yet.
walked around and went orchard central
we snapped photos like mad.
shall upload some soon
all the photos are with MX!
anyway tomorrow i've got training from 1-3PM
feel like going queensway to buy shoes after that.
oh well shall think about it.
bye world.
someone once told me
if you wanna forget, you shouldn't talk to the person
but i haven't been talking to you
not on purpose, but apparently so
i'm not forgetting
you're on my mind like a permanent picture.
i just wish you knew.