Tuesday, June 8, 2010 @ 1:49 AM
happy birthday
7th june: Dipna
8th june: Mariam and Dad
i just realise i didn't call to wish my dad
i just realise i didn't get him a present either
what kind of unfilial daughter am i.
what am i afraid of? awkwardness?
it's been so long since i felt bonded to my family
the only times i felt that i even have a family, are the family dinners
and those don't even last for 2 hours.
other have family, so do i, why does it feel so different?
home.
it's empty, dark and never lively
stories i hear from others about what happened at home,
i don't even have a story to tell.
sometimes i pray to God and ask
why? why is everything like that?
i remember writing an essay in secondary school, about love.
there are different kinds of love.
family love, love between friends, relationship sort of love.
but what i probably yearn he most, is the first.
i realise i always try to make myself better in a situation, just make myself feel a little better
just notice that i always say i have a lot of freedom.
but i wish my parents would have the time to even control me.
i have a lot of freedom because they simply do not have time to control me.
i know whatever i'm saying is going way off the point.
i keep pushing people away,
because i'm living in a box.
where i feel most comfortable,
where all my problems are within this box
and no one is allowed to open it except me.
i'm sorry to all those who care
and i don't know how to explain my problems
because i'm not good with words.
everything just comes out wrong when i say something
there's a lot of times i wish i would just keep quiet.
i just wish everything would be how i was when i was a kid.
simple and everything i needed was there
everything changed ever since i entered secondary 1.
i wonder is it because i lived in a hostel and when i came back
everything just wasn't the same
it was just 4 years, just 4.
and after this 4 years i felt like a different person.
i thought it was better, cause i felt like i've changed from bad to good.
but everything else in my life simply fell apart.
why. why is everything like that.
so many things but i can't even put them in simple words.